Prologue

By Erosia No Comments

Some people believe Erosia doesn’t exist, and others claim it can only be found in a dream. Some suggest that in order to see Erosia, one must believe in it first. It is up to you to decide what you will, and you may call me mad if you wish. Either way, I will live my life as a vessel through which passion emerges.  

Chapter 1: The Valentines Chapter 2: The Muse

Chapter 3: Prince Poison

Chapter 4: Dystopia

*Work-in-progress – many photos to organize.

 

Prince Ruby Valentine was born to Queen Onyx Valentine, the most beloved Queen of Erosia – but she died in childbirth, leaving Ruby with the curse of being poison to women. As a boy, he vowed not to speak and to communicate only through music, art, poetry and prose. Yet even his art was doomed to consume the hearts of his lovers.

The Valentine family was rumored to have vampiric heritage because they used their magic to control others, but they did it for the sake of community and upholding the values of their God. Ruby disappeared from the palace whenever he pleased, and seduced on his own, forsaking his royal duties.

Ruby thirsted for inspiration, and feasted on the dreams of others. His magic gift was to make dreams come true with his hands. He lured his prey with music that reflected their deepest fantasies. As they succumbed to him, he embodied their ideal lover. Once he made their dreams come true, he became their only yearning, and they could dream only of him. Yet the person they dreamed of was not Ruby, but rather, their own dreams which he happened to enact. Thus, Ruby would soon lose interest, as he craved someone with enough passion to fill him and make him whole.

Ruby was enslaved by self-loathing for killing his mother, and obsessed with the need to break free from his royal duties. Yet the longer he ran, the more violently these shadows consumed him, and the emptier his inner landscape became. As his world grew more arid, he became increasingly insatiable, and yearned to escape into more conquests. Then he met white-souled muse Erica Xenne, whose inner world was so elaborate, he could not possibly drain it dry. She was a never ending well of inspiration, and he sensed she might be the one to satisfy him. What he failed to realize was that he could not see her without facing himself.

Erica Xenne was born while two musicians played together, unleashing a song so heartfelt that it created life. Upon seeing the daughter of their passion, they succumbed to their desire for the first time and remained together throughout the rest of their days. Thus, Erica’s first act was to inspire surrender in others. Yet she was not born of flesh like them, and did not fit into their world. She was a muse who reflected their humanity, but lacked her own.

Much like Ruby, Erica possessed the power to reflect the colors of the world, but unlike him, she mirrored the truth rather than embodying illusions. Just as the color white reflects but does not absorb, Erica mirrored the core of people moment to moment, then moved on to reflect other aspects of nature. When looking at Erica, people saw their demons exposed so brightly that they were blinded, but their darkness could never destroy her. On the contrary, she craved immersion, and yearned for anything demonic enough to cast a shadow over her whiteness, even for a moment.

She lived among wildlife in Erosia, singing with the birds like an animal reflecting on the human entanglement she lacked, yet also feeling more at home among creatures who were true to themselves as she was. Her music broke people open, and she enjoyed sharing emotion. Yet her deepest yearning was to find someone who could speak her language of passion. Society was grey compared to the nature of Erosia and the passions in her heart, yet she grew weary of exploring her wild world alone.

Everything changed when she met Ruby. Where once she had been isolated and white, he made her heart bleed red. She had always been honest, but he made her real.

He feared to touch her, lest he drain her of inspiration and ruin their love like he had with other women. Worse, he feared to reveal to her that underneath his lure, there was nothing but hunger and emptiness.

They played music together, communicating in the language that only they could share, but in the end, they could not resist the temptation to make love. As they consumed one another, Erica began to turn red, becoming a reflection of Ruby himself, with nothing left of her but lust and obsession. Ruby felt the dreaded feeling of emptiness. He needed to feast on her dreams, but all he could taste was the ashes of her innocence and the false hopes he had fed her. His inner hell had been exposed and reflected back in his face, leaving him more dead inside than ever. He could not look at Erica without seeing himself, and if he could not love Erica, he could love no one. He failed to believe in love, and thus, disappeared from Erosia. He left Erica naked with his guitar, starving for him, tainted red from their love making, doomed to obsess over him for eternity.

She wanted to follow him, but the Valentines told her she would lose her magic powers. They explained that, once someone was corrupted in Dystopia, they could never return to Erosia, as they could never love purely again. Regardless, Erica left Erosia with Ruby’s guitar, and turned up in Dystopia, New York. When she arrived, she had no voice, as her singing had been her magic power. She was doomed to speak in a whisper. Still, she did not regret her choice. Ruby was her muse, and there was nothing to sing about without him.

Although Ruby had lost his magic power, his vampirism had become habitual, and he consumed women in Dystopia just the same. He slowly built up his guitar skills and used his psychic sensitivity to pull people’s dreams from their souls and reflect them in his music. Yet now that Ruby was free of the Valentine spell, Erica had renewed hope. She believed he could shed his old skin, and be born again.

Erica spoke in a whisper, but songs about Ruby wrote themselves through her. She sang her memories of Erosia when they had longed for each other, the loss of her hope and dreams when he had disappeared, the emptiness she had felt when he’d left her alone, the soulful songs they had shared, her jealous hatred of the other women he seduced, and his reflection she kept seeing in the mirror. Music poured through her relentlessly, and she had no choice but to let it flow. Ultimately she released her first album, Slave to Freedom, originally called Freedom Broke the Exile’s Heart — dedicated to Prince Ruby. It was written as a conversation between her vocals and his guitar.

She knew her obsession with him would consume her, destroy her, and rebirth her. He was the only thing that was real to her. Where once she had yearned for her fantasy lover, she now obsessed over one she believed was real, who had barely slipped from her grasp. Her album reflected her love and longing, but was it truly love, or was she pining for the shadow of a dream that could never come true? Did she truly love Ruby, or did she love the reflection of her hunger that she saw in his eyes? Perhaps she and Prince Ruby Valentine were two sides of one person, doomed to destroy and inspire each other for all eternity. Theirs is a story of sex and death; their music is rebirth.

Chapter 1: The Valentines

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Chapter 2: The Muse

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Chapter 3: Prince Poison

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Chapter 4: Dystopia

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Archetypes

By Musings No Comments
My general problem with monotheism is the way it leads people to seek a “singular” way to seek God. Many people end up studying the nature of their singular God, then trying to reflect it, and criticizing any deviation from their limited perception of “goodness” in themselves and others.
 
It’s not a matter of “Is there one God or not?” Such questions are beyond us. But even if we are to presume there is only one God, not a single one of us is capable of understanding the nature of God, nor reflecting its totality in ourselves. The best we can do is to embrace the gifts we were given, and offer those gifts to others, while equally appreciating the gifts that were given to others, and humbly accepting when others offer their gifts to us. Simply put, it is humble, loving, and most importantly, honest, to admit that we don’t know what “Godliness” means in totality, and that no singular one of us is capable of reflecting goodness in all aspects.
 
Personally, I prefer to focus on studies that are clear to my own eye, rather than pie-in-the-sky theories about God and otherworldly entities. If we are created in God’s image, then it makes sense to embrace the philosophy “As above, so below.”
 
So, that leads me to embrace the study of archetypes. In this study, many aspects of life are considered equally worthy of veneration and criticism. There’s still room for monotheism here – because, in the end, the ideal is to achieve a balance of all the archetypal energies. Thus a social circle is most Godly if there is a respectful balance of different archetypal energies among the people.
 
Some people may specialize in specific archetypal energies while others may balance many energies by themselves. Either style is fine, because the end goal is for the whole world to balance itself. For example, someone like me might specialize in Eros energy, while someone else may specialize in Pragma energy, and then the two of us balance each other simply by existing in the same social circle, and influencing the circle, without having to change our own focus. By learning to embody the higher vibration of the energy that speaks to us, and allowing it to resonate through us, we influence others to experience that energy in a more wholesome and beautiful way.
 
This is why I see myself as a vessel through which Eros emerges, and why I strive to embody the highest possible vibration of Eros. Equally, I welcome challenges that emerge from people who embody other energies. May we each refine one another!!
 
In my community – which values and studies archetypes – I’ve found that the gifts of our own nature end up being useful and inspiring to others. To take this further, the most essential key to my personal ‘religion’ would be to encourage people to recognize and embrace their true nature, and to understand that this nature is one among many which all have potential to vibrate on high frequencies and contribute valuable lessons to the rest of us. This way, there may be self-love and appreciation for ourselves just as we are, as well as harmony between people with many different gifts. But we also may critique ourselves and each other — not by shaming one another for who we are, but rather, by asking ourselves and each other: are you embodying the highest potentials of your archetype? (Needless to say, it is only possible to address this if we all agree to take the study of archetypes seriously and focus on authentic discernments between them, so we gain distance from personal criticism by honoring the archetypal ‘scripture’ which we all interpret together, and use equally to measure our progress.) This leads to a more natural path to self improvement. We are not asking anyone to be something other than they are, but simply helping them to recognize their gifts and encouraging them to embrace them more astutely. If we all strive to do this, then in the end, the group balances many archetypes, and that balance reflects God.
 

Eros vs. Perversion

By Musings No Comments

On social media, I made the case that a healthy relationship with one’s own eros was an essential component to a healthy marriage. Some people disagreed and believed eros runs out after a few years, and pragma is a healthier basis for a marriage. I was also challenged, essentially, to differentiate eros from perversion. This was my response:

It’s very hard to articulate an adequate response to this in a singular post, as there are a lot of premises people tend to take for granted in these discussions which need to be covered. (I’m not presuming which premises you personally might take for granted; these are deeply human issues and I’m sure many people have thought about it from many angles.) It would be more appropriate for me to write a book or an essay on this, considering how many angles I’ve thought about. I probably will do that. But for now, I’ll try to cover the basics. I apologize in advance if I fail to articulate it on my first try.

So let’s start with this: “Eros exists. So where do we go from there?”

It is apparent throughout history that cheating is very common. We all know the age-old tale of couples getting married just based on pragma alone, and then finding erotic pleasure outside the home. Thus the warm, stable marriage which “makes logical sense” and “works dutifully” is so often wrecked by cheating and distrust, not to mention extreme resentment. In worst case scenarios, there have been stories where the resentment around “being stuck with this person” who is not fulfilling one’s erotic needs may lead to abuse or, worse, one spouse poisoning the other.

Beyond marriage, there are also many symptoms in society of misguided Eros. Porn is a symptom of misguided Eros, as well as Tinder, dating-fucking culture, etc. Religions and lifestyles tend to form as reactions to other religions. Our society was heavily religious and sexually repressed, so in reaction the left formed their own religion which worships the lewd and crude. But what they are doing is very far from Eros. Going to a kink-fest is not erotic in the wholesome and natural sense — that’s a social event with many rules of engagement. Watching porn is also not erotic in the wholesome sense. As for the gay culture, you can’t even talk to them without memorizing a bunch of pronouns that constantly change with the wind.

The idea that we can’t show breasts or nudity without sexualizing it, makes it “taboo,” and causes people to fetishize the human body. This isn’t necessary. If the body and nudity were not “taboo” in normal life, and there was not a constant battle between absolute disgusting debauchery vs. a far-right religious effort to repress erotic hunger, nudity and embodied beauty altogether, perhaps we’d find a more sane, healthy expression of Eros.

Of course, I’m exaggerating both sides of this to make a point. The left is not ONLY debaucherous and the right is not ONLY repressive. But to express the problem with the trend I must present two sides of the dichotomy. Right now, there is no healthy cultural expression of eros and spontenaeity. That’s where I agree with the article I posted, called “Carpe Diem.” There’s one group rebelling against the repression of Eros by being disgusting and making a bunch of rules around how disgusting you’re allowed to be, and another group telling you sexuality or eroticism is only allowed to exist in this one limited spot, and all other expression of it is forbidden. This is *quite evidently* not productive. As you said, the proof is in the pudding.

The question is not: “How do we get rid of Eros?” — History and human nature make it apparent that we cannot. The question is: “What do we do with Eros in a productive way?”

Humans were given Eros for a reason. We crave it for a reason. Are we to say it’s corrupt; an inherently corrupt part of our “bad” nature, or is it a biological imperative that has helped people in some way? I would suggest the latter, and I cannot think of any logical premise upon which to disagree. If we are made in God’s image, then something so basic and enduring as Eros must have been gifted us for a reason. And if one is to say “God gave us Eros so that we’ll repress it and fight against our nature” — I would be the first to reject such a God, as I’d rather burn in hell than worship someone so cruel.

So I, personally, am a very libidinous and passionate person by nature – but I am turned off by porn, to the point I watched a few minutes once in a friends’ dorms and found myself shaking under the covers. It grossed me out on a systemic level. I’ve had relationships where I connect very deeply to the person and keep them as a friend for life, and married my soulmate — who I recognized as such within days of meeting (and then asked him to marry me). Six years later we’re still thriving, madly in love, and supporting each other. We have a great group of friends, get along with each other’s family, etc. So embracing my erotic and full-bodied attraction to him immediately, clearly worked.

But this is not an accident. I trained myself to do this. It is a result of a life of astute study of myself, psychology, and passion.

Since I recognized the danger of eros, even in the first book I ever wrote at age 11-12 about a prostitute – I spent a great deal of time considering productive and heartfelt ways to honor my passion. And it has worked. I can sense quite quickly who I am attracted to on a deeper level; who I connect with; and for me this process of connection is highly erotic. (Even for friends, though please do not read that as “highly sexual,” as I am not preying on my friends.) I am not tricked by “good looking body parts,” which is not to say that I am not attuned to beauty — because I am. But I’m aroused by the deeper process of connecting to someone’s mind and soul; that said, their body is a vessel through which their soul emerges, so small things like how my partner sits or smiles can drive me wild. And after many years of studying my own patterns, studying others, studying psychology and romance itself – I fell into a natural groove which allowed me to understand instantly when my heart gravitates to ‘the right people.’ This helps with friendships too; as healthy Eros also exists in healthy friendships. Eros, in greek, literally means “flow.”

And having embraced a higher vibration of Eros, it made natural intuitive sense to me when my friend from Greece explained that it meant flow. Erotic passion and flow are indeed, one and the same. Rules and regulations often disrupt one’s natural ‘flow,’ so life is always a dance between ethics and flow, passion and reason; the two must be balanced.

Society offers many paths to repress Eros, and also many paths to pervert our sexuality (which is another form of repressing the natural flow that God gave us). My suggestion is that, as a society, we start learning the difference between higher-vibration Eros and perversion. This is the only way we will ever find a healthy balance; for , simply telling people to ‘stop acting on desire’ has never worked historically. Desire always comes back to roost, and once it has been repressed, it comes back in a much more ugly and destructive way.

God is Love

By Diary No Comments

my rant about what God really is, and how it doesn’t matter what you ‘believe’ — inspired by my friend solly who is an absolutely amazing person, and an atheist.

i personally don’t have much need for anyone to believe the same things i believe
i was raised atheist
so actually it would be helpful if i had stayed atheist. then i’d be in the same boat as my family and we could all live happily ever after in blissful agreement
but i had psychic experiences early on
but at the same time
if i would find out tomorrow that im not psychic and it was all fake and God doesnt exist
my life would be largely the same….
because for me God isn’t an abstraction
its just a name i am giving to the feeling i’ve always had, of connectivity, vibrations, rhythm of the world, connection to nature, mirroring
maybe you could say “Erica has strong Mirror Neurons” and call it a day
but whatever you call it, doesn’t matter
doesn’t change the essence of the thing
so i’m not hung up about people interpreting their experiences differently than i do
solly can be an atheist but he experiences connection, I’ve experienced it with him, i feel it in his music, and we both felt it together in the game, and in many of our other conversations
so really his life experience is not ESSENTIALLY that different from mine.
in fact, its more similar to mine than most people here
because we both navigate music similarly and that is core to my existence, it’s my first language
so if he speaks “music” – the universal language – then our language is one and the same….
i don’t really give a crap if his “world view” is different than mine, i still feel at one with his heart and soul in the moments we share music and connect
if he doesn’t believe in God or psychics its not a threat to me
like, i’d be hurt if he told me i’m crazy or stupid but he hasn’t and wouldn’t
but its all the same to me, if music is his God. it was mine for the majority of my life
as a kid i had that line from les mis in HUGE letters i wrote and hung over my closet: “To love another person is to see the face of God”
and music helps me communicate that love, that emotion, that connection
so to me that IS God. love is God. music is the word of God. as is nature.
solly experiences music and love and nature as deeply as i do, communicates with music as deeply as i do, so who gives a flying fuck if he calls it “God” or not?
thats semantics
if you TRULY experience God, you feel it in everyone. not just in people who verbally confirm that they believe the word “God” is a real thing
if you TRULY open your heart to God, you also open your heart to every person you meet. of course, it’s wise not to spill your secrets to randos. but you can still feel their humanity.
and you can repeat the word all you want. “God.” “Jesus.” “Allah.” “Buddha.” “Nature.” “Spirits.” “Ghosts.”
but it means nothing if you cannot feel the heart of the person in front of you
its just words, ramble and lies
so to me
its irrelevant what someone believes. it’s interesting conversation at best, and it is definitely fun, enlightening, thought provoking and intimate to talk about that stuff
but in the end it’s more relevant that we feel each other’s heart and communicate our own
that’s what God is
love
if you can’t connect to the people around you, and you’re using the idea of “God” as a replacement for connection
in my view… you might as well be an atheist
because that connection is fake. you’re connecting to an abstraction in the air
to put it into practice… love an animal. love a person. love your garden. love yourself.
solly’s love is more powerful than 100 religious textbooks.
just ask his dog.
ask his friends here, who he has supported when he’s weak, suffering, sick and in pain
if theres no one who can say this about you (and im not talking to anyone in particular, im talking general “you”) then perhaps reconsider whether you really experience God.
if you do, you know what im talking about.
and you would be able to love and resonate with an atheist just the same, if the atheist has love in their soul. you’d still look in their eyes and see God.

Resurrection

By Diary No Comments
It’s my birthday. And the 25th anniversary of the day my health began to decline… on my 16th birthday. My voice was never the same from that day, and it became worse and worse, until it was gone forever.
 
I’m surprised I lived this long. At first I thought I’d burn myself out while the flame was young and hot, because there was no life for me without singing. I sacrificed my childhood practicing and obsessing over music, and without that, I had literally nothing to offer this world. Nothing I wanted to do for work, nothing I was good at, nothing inside me that anyone would care about. I had only two beautiful features – my voice and my hair. Both were gone.
 
Singing was my only pipeline to Earth, the only way I could communicate my passion, or even get a hold of it. Between my anger at my losses, my shame at having nothing to offer, and my fear that I’d lost my autonomy and could never be a desirable partner… I was certain I would burn up from within, and my unfulfilled desire would consume me alive. So why not rush face first into the flame, and learn what I’m made of?
 
I survived the throes of addiction, voracious sexuality, and wild adventures in dangerous places. I pulled myself together over and over, only for the illness to rear its head and take everything away from me, all over again. Sometimes I thought I’d die from terrifying symptoms that easily kill people. Other times I thought I’d lose the will to fight this uphill battle with no chance to build something for myself. How could I go on, knowing all I am is a leech, dependent and incapable, forcing others to work to keep me alive? And even when I can work, it’s something replaceable, that any jackass could do. What could I bring to this world that justifies the plants and animals I eat? What excuse do I have to take and take and take, just to survive?
 
Yet through all this, something kept me going. It was the vision I had when I was 21, of a fantasy series. I was a terrible writer, but for many years I have worked for several hours every day, through thick and thin. Now I feel I’m honing a craft, and my passion is flowing.
 
I’m terrified of losing this. If my series doesn’t sell, I’ll be forced to work some job I hate, which won’t last anyway because of my health – and I’ll never have the chance to pursue writing, now that I developed a flow. But every day, I wake up and I just can’t wait to write, edit, scrutinize, or devour the next page. If only my characters can come to life, I’ll surrender my all.
 
On top of that – my friends, my family, and my husband have saved my life. You have all believed in me, and if you hadn’t, I might not be here today. Thank you for sticking by me through the throes of trauma and loss, sharing your own with me, and believing in me. There are no words to express how lucky I am to have such inspiring, big-hearted people in my life. I didn’t deserve a family as wonderful as mine, and yet, there it is.
 
I’m looking to release the first book in the series, this coming Valentine’s Day. Though I have a long way to go to be half as fluent in English as I was in the language of music, I can’t believe how much I’ve improved. It really feels like I’ve done the impossible – a miracle more fortuitous than singing through my whisper. I feel entirely grateful for every breath I take on this beautiful planet. I forged myself in the flame of suffering, and I’ll do it over and over, just for the beauty and love that makes it all worth it.

Art of Seduction

By Musings No Comments
Someone asked me recently to break down the book, The Art of Seduction, by Robert Greene.
 
Many children are flirtatious, even before becoming sexual. Flirting is as natural as breathing, as people feel elated by connecting with others. Society demands we keep those impulses to ourselves, and maintain boundaries and dignity. To seduce someone, we must give them a place to set their instincts free.
 
The book specifies that its topic is seduction, not empathy or successful relationships. In practice, one does not come at the expense of the other, but to explore the principle of seduction at its essence, one must isolate it from goodness, empathy, marriage, and money. After all, many people do not seduce with hopes of a relationship. Some don’t even want sex but rather, attention. We cannot assume that because someone seduces, they desire wealth, a white picket fence, and a promise of forever.  We cannot even assume they want sex, although seduction is suggestive of sex.
 
In French, an orgasm is called la petite mort. ‘The little death.’ To lose yourself in Eros is to die and be reborn. Eros is a destructive, fiery energy. It unmakes you and remakes you.
 

And that’s the aim of seduction. Unmaking someone, to remake them again. They will crave more of this, as it lifts them away from the mundane. Seduction is about harnessing eros energy.
 
The book gives many examples of this. It focuses on embodying the archetypal. Primal archetypes infiltrate the unconscious, where conscious barriers and resistance cannot go.
 
Everyone puts up barriers and resistance to being seduced, or losing themselves. It is a total loss of power and control. When we are obsessed with someone romantically, we are consumed by a force outside us, someone we cannot control. We can’t force them to be loyal, to want us, to cherish us. Being seduced is dangerous.
 
Thus, seduction focuses on lowering someone else’s resistance to this. Some seducers might do this by chasing relentlessly. (The archetype of the Rake.) Others might do it by embodying a primal carnal energy that seeps into the target’s awareness on a level they are not quite conscious of.
 
One might protest: Ok, so you embody an archetype? That’s fake!
The irony is, it isn’t. The truth is that you do tap into certain archetypal energies. Everyone does. But to harness your seductiveness, you would simply be more willing to display them.
 
That’s right… it’s more honest. At least for me. Instead of keeping those more primal associations to myself and wearing a normie suit, I wear them on my sleeve. And then I pull someone into a world where they, too, feel like they embody an archetype. Is this manipulative? Well perhaps, but it’s equally manipulative to expect someone to wear a normie suit and do normal things, as dictated by society. The way I see it, I’m tapping into my own – and the other person’s – most primal and honest energy. That is what the book invites people to consider.
 
Being seductive will make people hate you (out of envy) and fear you (because losing themself is dangerous). Are you willing to make that sacrifice in order to embody more of your own power? Only you can decide.