The Sweetest Violence Sentenced to Silence

By Poetry No Comments

don’t want to waste this
can not throw this away
ii am drawn to this moment
this bare necessity like animal instinct – the need to consume, to be consumed, the desire to devour and the automatic running away when ii know i’m being chased. scurrying and hurring to the grove between the trees where ii can’t see the skies
the stars
the scars…
silence is the ultimate sacrifice
 
but this isn’t love. this isn’t hate. this is barely emotion, wispy and iridescent like that shine in the corner of a pair of hungry eyes before they see me anticipating the hunt and quickly look away.
nobody wants to frighten their prey… reveal their fangs extending from behind the shiniest row of pure white ivory teeth
 
pure white ivory
 
black ivory between the lines

sharp and still like penetration when the smooth white keys are the softest touch… and ii used to make love to my piano and feel neglected, rejected because ii caressed the keys so thoughtfully, ii poured myself into them, behind them, throughout their surfaces… and they never rubbed up against each other, they never climbed over me and held my hands down, they never taught me the art of restraint and ii just don’t understand restraint.
sometimes ii wanted the white piano keys to fold around my hands and the black ivory to slide between my fingers just so ii could be hepless, consumed, devoured, eaten alive and raw and vulnerable. but the piano never threw me down like that… ii had all the power like a goddess, a dominatrix with my lover at the mercy of my whim. my dream. my desire. my uncertainty
and when nothing is sure anything is possible

where did it all go, the screams frozen in time, icicles crawling between my eyes while the music slid along my teeth into the rough soft lines of my tongue, the growls of my intestines fulfilled and starved at the same time because the world was too fucking beautiful to be digested by one little girl and her piano and her poison poison poison… it wasn’t the piano that devoured me like that but ii felt it when ii opened up my senses and closed my eyes and stopped wishing ii were pretty, wishing ii could feed upon the dead in the still of the night. when ii listened between the keys for that whisper… when ii hit the keys to strike their anger and they hated me back louder than ii could ever scream… when ii would fight against my left hand for volume… who could break more bones, who could frollick further into the blindness behind love… could ii sing it or could ii fuck it or could the keys ever ever fucking break into pieces as ii broke into pieces
 
and that is how the piano became my master
 
waiting waiting in silence for my caress and never fighting back until ii threatened full force… and then penetrating me from beneath the surface of my skin, starting on the inside and pushing its way out
 
where did it all go
ii am a devoted lover a sweet slave where did it go ii never wanted to leave you my sweet sweet poison

and now the sweetest violence sentenced to silence on the loudest winter afternoons when the sun shines in through my window and laughs upon my sleeve… ii step into the shadow and wait for you to return… past the point of forgiveness or forgotten stains… ii don’t care anymore, ii am secluded, the solitary eye in the darkest corner of the universe waiting
waiting
this is not death death cannot die without being forgotten
do you remember me
ii know you’re laughing somewhere far away like a child in the woods hiding being hunted helpless and secretly wishing you could be devoured… ii would eat you up ravenous and drooling, dropping your bones into my thighs and cutting my teeth out with the impact of your sizzling screaming blood
 
sing child sing
 
what am ii and why
when
there is nothing left, this is the playground of the without, the stars falling and crashing into black holes somewhere in a place ii could never understand or touch
so bare ii can’t make love anymore
wasted

Deathless

By Poetry No Comments

 lusty eyes dig into me like pain
no surprise ii found you dancing in the rain
sex without a soul
no pretense of control
 
you sweep me up and then you disappear
your voice is all ii hear
the echo that ii fear
you’re the nothing in my words
the power in my hands
the everything ii know
and no one ever understands
 

take everything everywhere
you’re never really anywhere
but you watch me like a slave
and you swallow me and follow me
and leave me here to crave
to bleed to fight
to feed your diabolic appetite

_________________________________________________  

lost one instant and sure the next
and ii never know where he isn’t
because every vibe in the room belongs to him

he’s perfect in his mania.. a little boy feeling too affected.. laughing and knowing and enjoying but never satisfied
and the way he twists emotion… he never stops feeling yet his mind moves faster than wind, and he never thinks before he speaks, yet his words cut into something beyond truth.. beyond death.. beyond reason…. his art penetrates something within that knows, yet chooses in its freedom to surrender to emotion

 

and sometimes he closes the world out
he continues to pour but refuses to drink
as though his body is too fragile to digest what he touches
the only way to reach him in those moments is to watch… to listen
to realize that nobody will ever understand him
yet allow him to show me
what ii am

_________________________________________________    

 

he breathes as though death
did not exist
he growls like embers
red rough and raw
basking in the hot glow ii
can’t touch it

This is the fire
his wild motion
sucking my oxygen
smoke seethes
through his skin
as he crawls closer
my throat is dry
dangerous
warm to watch
painful to touch
deadly to catch
 
ii want to be
consumed fucked torn destroyed
can’t. can’t. can’t can’t can’t
must extinguish this
turn away
… but ii’d have to pull my eyes out
by the sockets to stop
staring
 
it rips it stings
gasping for fresh air
choking sweating
and ii need it
his voice falls into words like ashes
breaking me into myself
ii want to be
burned alive

 

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~  Diary 1999