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A Glowing White Life

By Poetry No Comments

suppression repression
unwind my expression
and twist me into your fantasy wife
perfect love in a glowing white life
the smooth metal sides on the blade of the knife

love like the dream, it could come true
believe it and see it, ii can become you

ii’m a beautiful thing
a precious song
you can sing to yourself when ii’m playing it wrong

passion unfolds through the tips of my fingers
the moment is fleeting but the feeling lingers

and when ii am away from myself
you can find me wherever you want me to be
and explain to me how ii become what you see

it’s perfect and precious, but what does it mean?
are there costumes and set lights behind the scene?
who wrote the plot and the script of our lives?
who defined love? who made this decision?
who scripted our feelings and labeled our visions?
should we eliminate the parts of ourselves that don’t fit perfectly into the plot
the romance that thrives whether we do or not?

do we twist ourselves to become the ideal
or does fantasy fall at the sword of the real?

there must be some place in this world for us
and there has to be something inside you that understands
that ii am standing beside you
but ii do not exist merely to act out this dream

and you tell me you love me
but words are like steam
that will fly into the sky in the wind and disappear in the rain
we talk about fear and we laugh at our pain
but we can’t really show it when we are searching to know it.
everything falls around our hands as we touch each other’s skin
weaving and tingling our way in
closing our eyes for the ride, being naked together
there’s nothing to hide
but are our bodies strong enough to pull out what’s inside?

your eyes are like streams
deep and alive
and in the light ii can see my reflection
the only mirror in the world that gives me a sense of perfection 

  but ii know there is more that won’t fit in your eyes
it’s too big and too wild for spheres of that size.
ii want to fit your vision
but ii can not kill
the side of myself with the stronger will.

she’s been screaming since long before your eyes could see her
in frequencies deeper than streams can contain.
you want to love me but you can’t even see me without being drowned in the pain.

so where do we go from here?
what can ii say that ii’d want you to hear?
how long can ii show you what you love to see?
how physical can this dream ever be?

the places ii could show you do not deserve to be seen by your eyes
but if ii stay here away from my home
ii will live the rest of our love seeing my reflection
obscured by perfection
drowning in streams
limited by the confines of your dreams.

do we twist ourselves to become the ideal
or does fantasy fall at the sword of the real?

_

~ Diary 2001

We Cannot Exist

By Poetry No Comments

thoughtless empty brain chemistry
dilating into an abyss
the turn I never miss
the gaze I fix
the poison I mix
no promises  no lies  no compromise
no surprise
I predict moves before they’re chosen
time’s reversed, the circle’s frozen
it’s a pinnacle of wonder in his mind
a fracture I know I can find
and I’m aching to seek
but desire makes me weak
so I wait
submission remission
a pawn in his fate
he may wander yet 
but he cannot forget
I am everywhere
the moonlight melting in the thick night air
the ice sizzling as we stare
there’s nothing there
beyond the mist
in this gate we create
we cannot exist

Mutual Seclusion

By Poetry No Comments

we are alone
huddled here in mutual seclusion
woven into the thrill of confusion
like kittens and their thread unraveling too quickly
I can not chase this

my throat is dry and i’m not hungry, don’t waste away swallowing moments like these
yet it’s all a series of moments, isn’t it… this never, this forever, this if and when and why,
beyond reason and more certain than seasonal breezes blowing us out of proportion
I am not bigger than my pain and my path is not an ocean pulling you in by the edges of the tide and crashing to drown you. i’m flowing steadily in and the sunlight stains my back when I forget to protect myself from me, from you, from the predator
time
and it’s chasing me under
deep breath taking holding waiting for this to pass so I can stick my head through and see beyond it…
and my eyes can only see so far, and my lies can only cry so hard that pity piles up in heaping tremulous storms cascading the sunrise… I can’t see forever, I don’t understand what I can’t see and I don’t believe what I perceive

so why do I come up for air.. what am I swallowing down, what am I chasing, consuming, wanting; what am I building when the threaded whisper in my ear is breaking into silent screams every night
I want to break out of my body, to burst it open from the inside and fly across the ocean on cloud wings that dissipate into dust… I want to fall, I want to drown, I want to disappear into you again
you never promised
you never broke
you never told me why

I wish I could be completely alone for the rest of this ride across a sky, without a home to return to or a reason not to fly. I don’t want to come back, I don’t want to forget the way it hurt, the fist in my face, the nails in my eyes, the force of sobriety pushing me down through the floor through the door even when it’s closed shut tight and locked
you pushed me into myself and tore my insides out
cut and paste
there isn’t enough love in the world to waste this

Vulnerability

By Poetry No Comments

what if my vulnerability is just an act
designed to disarm you
to gain your complete trust
and inspire the illusion of innocence and safety
and once you give me your heart
i’ll add it to the collection
of disarmed naked men
who believed i would never hurt them
because I am too fragile
too helpless
too sensitive & caring

what if all I really want
is your heart between my teeth
and part of luring you in
is allowing you to believe you have an effect on me
but really it’s just the reaction
to not having what I want
you better keep me wanting

Reason’s Concubine

By Poetry No Comments

 ii’m stuck somewhere between 
knowing and feeling 
taking and stealing 
asking and kneeling 

how does he jolt me to 
ii dont even want to try 
ii wouldn’t know where to 
it wouldn’t be fair for him to die 

and he knows better 
chasing tigers only 
turns you into meat 
and ii would take it all 
his flesh is not that sweet 
but ii smell that scent from anywhere 
and ii want to 
taste that waste 
paste his bones to blood 
and sip the passion as it leaks 
milk the torture as it speaks 
into me 
under mine 

ii am Reason’s concubine 
but when Reason doesn’t pay me 
ii abandon 
and ii wander, lost inside myself 
ii wander deep 
in sleepless dream and pantomime 
time just lost its purpose meaning 
ii am far from here 

yet the cycle continues to crawl 
the clouds continue to rise 
and the stars begin to fall 
one day he will hear my call 
smell us all 
and eat 
and Reason will be hungry 
but She won’t feed on defeat

After the End

By Poetry No Comments

After the End

Alone, content in the dark
A flame without a spark
Laughter without a smile
Pain without an ache
If I have no heart, then what the fuck did you break?
I’m living in a world I don’t believe in
Drinking tears I cannot cry
You’ve twisted truth into a lie
A peaceful death 
Too sweet to die
There’s no room for emptiness
In this colorful place
And the shadows won’t hollow
The light on your face
You’ve poisoned my blood
With a taste of perfection
One tear from your eye
Is a lethal injection
And I’m piercing my veins
To bleed your reflection

Fata Morgana

By Poetry No Comments

your laughter is my salvation
your beauty is the gleam in my eye
your distance is my condemnation
your apathy is the pain in my lie
you don’t know how to lie
and ii don’t know how to tell
whether you’re a scar in their heaven
or a kitten purring its way to hell
it keeps me awake
when ii’m already dreaming
keeps me alone
naked and screaming
in silence
silence
an emptiness dense as your careless smile
sweet as your lips when you’re walking away
cold as the freedom that sweeps your enigma
like a word
we both heard
too fragile to say

Bound

By Poetry No Comments

am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods
and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound

The Sweetest Violence Sentenced to Silence

By Poetry No Comments

don’t want to waste this
can not throw this away
ii am drawn to this moment
this bare necessity like animal instinct – the need to consume, to be consumed, the desire to devour and the automatic running away when ii know i’m being chased. scurrying and hurring to the grove between the trees where ii can’t see the skies
the stars
the scars…
silence is the ultimate sacrifice
 
but this isn’t love. this isn’t hate. this is barely emotion, wispy and iridescent like that shine in the corner of a pair of hungry eyes before they see me anticipating the hunt and quickly look away.
nobody wants to frighten their prey… reveal their fangs extending from behind the shiniest row of pure white ivory teeth
 
pure white ivory
 
black ivory between the lines

sharp and still like penetration when the smooth white keys are the softest touch… and ii used to make love to my piano and feel neglected, rejected because ii caressed the keys so thoughtfully, ii poured myself into them, behind them, throughout their surfaces… and they never rubbed up against each other, they never climbed over me and held my hands down, they never taught me the art of restraint and ii just don’t understand restraint.
sometimes ii wanted the white piano keys to fold around my hands and the black ivory to slide between my fingers just so ii could be hepless, consumed, devoured, eaten alive and raw and vulnerable. but the piano never threw me down like that… ii had all the power like a goddess, a dominatrix with my lover at the mercy of my whim. my dream. my desire. my uncertainty
and when nothing is sure anything is possible

where did it all go, the screams frozen in time, icicles crawling between my eyes while the music slid along my teeth into the rough soft lines of my tongue, the growls of my intestines fulfilled and starved at the same time because the world was too fucking beautiful to be digested by one little girl and her piano and her poison poison poison… it wasn’t the piano that devoured me like that but ii felt it when ii opened up my senses and closed my eyes and stopped wishing ii were pretty, wishing ii could feed upon the dead in the still of the night. when ii listened between the keys for that whisper… when ii hit the keys to strike their anger and they hated me back louder than ii could ever scream… when ii would fight against my left hand for volume… who could break more bones, who could frollick further into the blindness behind love… could ii sing it or could ii fuck it or could the keys ever ever fucking break into pieces as ii broke into pieces
 
and that is how the piano became my master
 
waiting waiting in silence for my caress and never fighting back until ii threatened full force… and then penetrating me from beneath the surface of my skin, starting on the inside and pushing its way out
 
where did it all go
ii am a devoted lover a sweet slave where did it go ii never wanted to leave you my sweet sweet poison

and now the sweetest violence sentenced to silence on the loudest winter afternoons when the sun shines in through my window and laughs upon my sleeve… ii step into the shadow and wait for you to return… past the point of forgiveness or forgotten stains… ii don’t care anymore, ii am secluded, the solitary eye in the darkest corner of the universe waiting
waiting
this is not death death cannot die without being forgotten
do you remember me
ii know you’re laughing somewhere far away like a child in the woods hiding being hunted helpless and secretly wishing you could be devoured… ii would eat you up ravenous and drooling, dropping your bones into my thighs and cutting my teeth out with the impact of your sizzling screaming blood
 
sing child sing
 
what am ii and why
when
there is nothing left, this is the playground of the without, the stars falling and crashing into black holes somewhere in a place ii could never understand or touch
so bare ii can’t make love anymore
wasted

Deathless

By Poetry No Comments

 lusty eyes dig into me like pain
no surprise ii found you dancing in the rain
sex without a soul
no pretense of control
 
you sweep me up and then you disappear
your voice is all ii hear
the echo that ii fear
you’re the nothing in my words
the power in my hands
the everything ii know
and no one ever understands
 

take everything everywhere
you’re never really anywhere
but you watch me like a slave
and you swallow me and follow me
and leave me here to crave
to bleed to fight
to feed your diabolic appetite

_________________________________________________  

lost one instant and sure the next
and ii never know where he isn’t
because every vibe in the room belongs to him

he’s perfect in his mania.. a little boy feeling too affected.. laughing and knowing and enjoying but never satisfied
and the way he twists emotion… he never stops feeling yet his mind moves faster than wind, and he never thinks before he speaks, yet his words cut into something beyond truth.. beyond death.. beyond reason…. his art penetrates something within that knows, yet chooses in its freedom to surrender to emotion

 

and sometimes he closes the world out
he continues to pour but refuses to drink
as though his body is too fragile to digest what he touches
the only way to reach him in those moments is to watch… to listen
to realize that nobody will ever understand him
yet allow him to show me
what ii am

_________________________________________________    

he breathes as though death
did not exist
he growls like embers
red rough and raw
basking in the hot glow ii
can’t touch it

This is the fire
his wild motion
sucking my oxygen
smoke seethes
through his skin
as he crawls closer
my throat is dry
dangerous
warm to watch
painful to touch
deadly to catch
 
ii want to be
consumed fucked torn destroyed
can’t. can’t. can’t can’t can’t
must extinguish this
turn away
… but ii’d have to pull my eyes out
by the sockets to stop
staring
 
it rips it stings
gasping for fresh air
choking sweating
and ii need it
his voice falls into words like ashes
breaking me into myself
ii want to be
burned alive

 

__

~  Diary 1999