Enneagram 486 Sx/So

By | Musings | No Comments

Q: Unhealthy Enneagram 4: “Wanna come over and destroy each other emotionally? It’s for my art.”

Keeping in mind the disclaimer that my whole tritype is 4w3-8w7-6w5 Sx/So, and my experience may or may not apply to other variations of fours, I will say that this reminds me of my old post

i’d sample all the sounds of human destruction and write them into a drum beat. then i would sing over the beat, just to enforce my point. sing. destroy. create something beautiful manifested into the sounds, the movements, the voice of destruction.
if destruction had a voice, it would be mine.
if death could speak, it would sound the way i sound. 
i want to hear it all around me. i want to take the rest of the world with me. i want my music to show people what silence tastes like. let them lick their lips and swallow their shadows.
everybody has one. step into the fucking light. why do you think i only come out at night? i see too many shadows without help from the blazing ball of fire that crosses our horizon every morning and makes colors brighter. my vision is saturated and my fingers are melting every time i hear the soft sound of a piano. it strangles me like the kick of a man who beats the shit out of me after sex. i know he’s just doing it because i made him love me. it’s always my fault. i only love for the sake of creation, so what can i expect?

 I was lovely when I was unhealthy, wasn’t I?

I dyed my hair pink-red instead of red-red because I felt I was fake. I had lost my innocence and soul with my voice. I was undead, a reflection of my old self’s shadow, with the deepest darkness right at the surface. I was a vampire, preying on the blood of the living. I called this manifestation of myself “Anäeia” – pronounced like “Annihilate.” I envied the living for their innocence, their humanity, their mortality. I had to give up my immortal image of powerful beauty to rejoin the living and feel love again. I was very aware of that and spelled it out in my diaries and art throughout the process.

I preyed on the virginal innocents, and I figured if they gave in then they wanted to be destroyed. Their destruction was inevitable; the destroyer might as well be me. The one man who resisted my seductive artistic lusty advances gained tremendous power over me, for many years. He became an ideal I was too ruined to reach, and I knew – on the one hand, to possess him I would need to be human — on the other, I would realize, when I became human, that I had fallen in love with a lie. Because reality is never as perfect as the way I viewed him. He was merely a projection of my own lost childhood.

Q: Was the reward in all of it the feeling of immortality?

No, the immortality was a punishment.
 
Last night I spoke to God directly for the first time in my life and I asked Him to help me grasp my own fragility, and the fragility of the flesh.

My illness and my death bed, not to mention the loss of my voice; was not enough to cure me of my sense of immortality. To quote my own lyrics more recently:

Tell me the odds
I’ll beat them senseless
Summon the Gods
They’ll be defenseless

This is why I’ve been having panic attacks due to my health problems. There’s tremendous cognitive dissonance between my sense of immortality and power, and the threat of my body dying. I need help reconciling this, and I have finally realized my vulnerability in this area and begun to accept that I can’t do it alone.

Q: Are 4s attracted to souls that are already in pain and previously destroyed or do they want to destroy a healthy one?

When I was undead I envied the living. Want = hate.

“Tear people down to your own level of pain” kind of presumes that someone is coming from a place of “loneliness” or needing to connect. I can’t speak for other fours, as I know that being contraflow, Sx/So specifically and 8 fix has changed a lot of things. However, to speak for myself..

I really resonate with the idea of alienation. It’s not lonely, nor is it good or bad. It’s just something I’ve had to accept and deal with, that I’m not from the same planet as most others. I don’t dislike it; it gives me a sense of purpose and specialness. I don’t like it either per se; it can be difficult to have relationships with aliens who cannot connect to my planet; and my lust betrays me.

A poem I wrote after I lost my voice, says it all:

am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods
and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound

The reason this poem says it all, is I recognize I’m not ‘part of it’ and my feelings about that are somewhat neutral. But I still have this need for an audience. So I want my art to capture something that lies so deep within me that it actually touches what’s at the heart of ALL humans. This is how I reach “holy origin,” the sense of being cut from the same cloth. But the thing that motivates me (at the surface) to do that, is to be applauded; not to actually connect. Deeper down, there’s a need to connect which has been replaced by the need to be applauded; but that is not something I consciously feel especially when unhealthy.

So no, I don’t need to pull them down to my level or to make them suffer “like me,” unless it’s about hurting them in order to keep them around (like in a power game in romance). I got into those games with 6w5s, as a 6w5 fixer myself , and I know that’s where this particular urge comes from, the 6w5 fix. There was an intrigue in getting in these back and forth power games – who’s on top etc – with 6w5 cores.

But that was “easier” than dealing with the 4. They could love my power, my strong mind, my periphery. The only way to see “me” is through my art. 

And 9s will say they want to ‘be seen.’ I don’t actually NEED or even want to be seen as a human. My compulsive desire is to be worshipped as an art piece. In order to rejoin humanity, I needed to reconcile my more human, regular, boring old need to just connect. But my image fixation makes me revert to wanting to be worshipped as an art piece from a distance. If people want to see my humanity they can look at my website, but I know that what they’ll really find on my website is a reflection of themselves. Which is really what they want, anyway.

This is why Prince Ruby Valentine – my male alter ego – has had this on his bio since his conception; because he understands that people generally just see a reflection of themselves in “the other.”

On my first typing thread in 2012:

On a deeper level, I live to expose my true self through my work. I feel I’m a vessel through which songs and stories emerge. The content serves as a mirror. It exposes parts of myself that are buried deep within my subconscious, and which might otherwise remain unnoticed. In sharing my work, I hope to function as a mirror for others. What success means, to me, is knowing that my fight to sing on my album, despite speaking in a whisper, has inspired someone else to create her own artwork. Success is hearing someone quote my lyrics or reference my stories because it expresses something SHE is feeling. I want people to see themselves in my work, rather than merely seeing “me.” I want to touch on something universal. And, through bearing my own soul, I hope to inspire others to express themselves honestly, and to pursue their dreams against all odds.

So I don’t have any deep need to bring them down to ‘feel the pain I’m feeling,’ or to suffer with me, because I don’t want to be SEEN as a human per se. What I want, is to be their muse, their Goddess, their inspiration; the image that comes into their mind at their most powerless. I want to have power over them, to move them, to touch them in every corner of their soul; I want them to see me in a vision and rip off my face and see themselves beneath it. I want to imbue myself deep inside people as a symbol.

What’s much harder for me is just being human. And I’ve been doing it, finally, these past few years.
 
I need to be careful to say, I might not speak for sync flow 4s, or 9 fixed 4s; especially on issues of power and immortality. Hopefully we will have other fours in the group also expressing themselves so we can get a fuller picture; this would also help me understand what about me is 4 and what is 8, 6, the whole tritype, etc.
 
Either way though, typing at four really helped me to pull back some of my own masks, the ones that were so deeply entwined in my self-image that I could not see my human face beneath. Probably the best way I can sum it up in a ‘4’ way is to point out the overuse of the word “expose” in my 2012 typing thread. There’s tremendous shame about being ‘exposed.’ I still don’t know what it is that I feel like would be exposed and it would be so awful. If the art piece was stripped away completely, what would I be? What is it that I’m so ashamed of? Probably shame itself is the top candidate.
 
 
4w3 8w7 6w5 Sx/So. “Counter shame” four.
 

Becoming the Enemy

By | Culture | No Comments

“To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.”
This phrase took on special meaning for me today as I contemplated the current state of politics, and my propensity to debate and defend what I feel is right.

When I argue about a policy and someone retorts by saying I’m “ignorant” about transpeople, or “racist” – the first thing that pops into mind is how much I love my friends. I have friends who I love dearly who are trans, black, gay and so forth. In some cases we have taken on major battles in our lives together.

I don’t tend to think of these people as my black friends, trans friends, gay friends…… they are just MY. FRIENDS. And that’s it. However, when someone accuses me of racism or transphobia – then suddenly it comes to my attention that they are attacking the love in my heart. Suddenly, I categorize my friends into “trans” and “black” friends because my love for them has been attacked.

I have become the enemy. I have categorized my friends, dehumanized them. Just like the person I’m arguing with. In that moment, my friends are no longer simply people that I love, because they have become “trans,” “black” or some other identity category. The ideology has poisoned the pure love in my heart, at least in that moment, as I seek the language to defend or discuss my point of view.

I feel dirty. Corrupted. I don’t want to put people in these categories. It doesn’t resonate at all with my deeper feelings, but I am forced to think that way if I want to engage in discussions about identity politics.

This leaves me in a tough position: I don’t want to be ideologically pigeonholed or confine myself to an echo chamber. But I also don’t want my mind to be poisoned by language that categorizes people who I love, like meat. I don’t want to become that way.

Language matters. It shapes how we think, and how we feel. The “identity politics” mindset has reigned supreme, because whether we oppose it or support it, ALL OF US are talking about it. Our minds have been conditioned to overthink people’s identity categories, and to associate them with those categories. We can disagree with this mentality all we want, but as long as we are talking about how much we disagree, we’re thinking like them. The ideology and its ‘language’ has infected us all. Such clever marketing.

 

*Banner photos by Nyack Photography.

test

By | Poetry | No Comments

Romanticism

By | Musings | No Comments

“What is your Venus sign and what’s the most romantic thing you’ve done for your partner?” Asks an astrology site. This was my response:

Venus in Virgo in 7th. 
It’s hard to pinpoint one thing because I embody Erotic romanticism.
I’m not your usual “high heels, makeup, vacations” girl – I don’t need makeup or heels. I live my life as Art. I’m in love with nature and the elements; songs, poems and novels write themselves through me. I strive to bring the beauty I experience inside, into the world – so the decor in my house is sensual and stimulates a certain mood; my outfits and jewelry tell my story symbolically.

To address romance with a man, I have to bring him into my world. He becomes a character in my novel, the subject of my songs and poetic words, my favorite subject to photograph.

I take my husband up mountains and into forests and waterfalls to capture his essence and allow him to capture mine. We do collages and photo montages of our love and turn each other into archetypal symbols in our own art. We explore each other to discover our innermost essence and explore the world for beautiful places to capture it artistically through the elements. If we are weighed down by obligations, then we can find beauty at home, working side by side or talking about our most passionate interests, such as archetypes, the meaning of everything and the fantasy novel of mine in which some version of him is protagonist. I also find myself waxing poetic about his beauty, as it overwhelms me every day.

In light of this, things like “vacation” seem mundane. We would have a fabulous time on vacation, but I wouldn’t want to have to set out a time slot to be romantic. Life is art and I live it that way.

Love is the most powerful way to honor the beautiful world that the universe has created for us.

Libra is not an Archetypal Energy

By | Archetypes | No Comments

Libra is not about “peace” nor is it about avoiding conflict or being a pushover, trying to get along. It’s not actually about romance or wifey stuff either. None of that makes sense at all archetypically, nor does it mean anything.

Originally, Libra was not one of the constellations or signs. The stars now associated with Libra were the claws of the Scorpion. Later they saw it as two constellations, where one was “Chelae” – claws. That one was Libra.

Later on, there was a mistranslation. “There was a confusion with the translation of the words, zubana and zibanitu (meaning- weighing scale’ and ‘scorpion, respectively). The two translations of the words zubana and zibanitu led to the constellation the scorpion’s claws or Chelae Scorpionis. Therefore, in Babylonian Mythology, Libra started out as the claws of the Scorpio. Later when the Greeks looked at the constellation, they thought it looked like a set of scales held by Astraea or (Star-maiden).”

So Libra, if you take its full history and mistranslation into account – is somewhere between the claws of the Scorpion that killed Orion and the Virgin Goddess’s scales of justice, but it is not actually an entity unto itself.

Consider all these quotes, from various references:
“The zodiac (a Greek word meaning “circle of animals”) were devised by the Neo-Babylonians. 
““The fundamental factor in astrology is the identification of the heavenly bodies with the chief gods of the pantheon.”
“Libra is the only zodiac constellation that represents an object, not an animal or a character from mythology.”

Conclusion:
Libra is not an archetypal energy. It is an inanimate object wielded by forces of LIFE and nature belonging to the other signs. Its presence in astrology is the result of mistranslations and a need to force symmetry, but it is not inherently meaningful.

The “Living in the Moment” Fallacy

By | Philosophy | No Comments

I’m not sure why some people know what they want to do from a young age, and some don’t.  I used to think people who didn’t were missing something, but then I meet people who claim they are genuinely content to try this and try that, and who believe that open-endedness is fulfilling.  I am not sure I’ve seen actual proof of anyone who is happy that way.  But really is anyone ‘happy?’  It’s a lot to ask.

My gut hunch (which may be wrong for anyone but me) is that the mistake comes in people believing they’re chasing happiness.  They pressure themselves to find something they enjoy, but joy is impossible to sustain, so it leads to inevitable disappointment.  Joy comes naturally, along the way; but it cannot be captured on purpose.

My beloved husband once asked me “do you enjoy writing?”  I stared at him blankly.  I offered some responses, like I need a sense of purpose and I love actualizing my vision.  And he said no.. . I mean do you enjoy writing.  I said, in essence, “can you rephrase the question?”

I did not understand what he was getting at.  Then I finally realized he was actually asking me if I enjoyed writing in the moment – while I’m doing it.  I told him I have no idea why it matters, but the answer is sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.  It can be grueling, obnoxious, there are many days when I want to run around outside or write something new and not read the same stupid thing for the 500th time.  But at the end of the day I feel much better having done it.

I enjoyed playing shows when I was doing music, and I enjoy writing new material; both make me feel cathartic and alive.  But do I enjoy editing, rehearsing, practicing the same few notes for the 100th time?  I don’t know if joy is the word I’d use to describe that. It’s not like it feels as good as making love (though performing or writing new material, does).  But who cares?  My overall outlook toward myself and the world is more positive and I feel overall alive.

I am just not attuned to this idea of “enjoying the moment.”  It is completely nonsensical to me.  The moment on its own is ephemeral, ever changing and passes quickly.  A person can be laughing and happy; then moments later, miserable.  So how would you qualify that experience overall?  Fun?

At any given moment, we have an idea of the past that lead up to it, and an idea of the future before us.  Our memories may be distorted and our future visions may not come to pass; but those ideas are part of EVERY moment.  We can never JUST exist NOW.  No matter how visceral, present and ‘in the flow’ we are, our state of mind is informed by our outlook on life overall. Whether or not we realize it consciously, it is always there.

I’m very visceral and present in the moment. I tune into people completely, I experience sensuality and emotion in full, I love performing, I throw my whole self into whatever I’m doing.  I love bathing, swimming or frolicking in nature; I love channeling arts.  But I don’t enjoy chasing enjoyment.  That very thought makes me feel clausterphobic.

Joy doesn’t come from seeking fun things to do.  It comes from pouring blood, sweat and tears into a challenge.  If I spend the day seeking joy, then after an hour I can no longer find any.

If my beloved would say, ‘let’s spend today having fun,’ the first thing that pops into mind, besides sensual pleasures 😉 – is photoshoots, climbing a mountain or working on the book together.

Lovemaking is wonderful, but a whole day of it doesn’t sound fun to me either.  It may be fun if I framed it as a CHALLENGE, to see how long we could last.  But in general, that sounds like sucking the juice out of an otherwise beautiful experience.  I’d much rather be working.

Huntress

By | Musings | No Comments

“The best women get chased, and the best men chase” – this advice was imparted to me at a young age, and I saw that it was true. Men want to chase someone and women want to be chased. Obvious, right?

The problem is, I have a willful personality. I’m not any kind of ‘warrior’ or physical beast, but I know what I want, and I figure out how to get it. In all other areas of my life, I was assertive and driven; but where men were concerned, I was afraid of rejection. I knew exactly who I wanted, but I needed to make them come after me.

Hot guys chased me all the time, but I wanted exactly who I wanted, and couldn’t settle for less. I didn’t want to demean my own worth as a woman by chasing my crushes outright, yet I was hopelessly obsessed. So I would lure them to chase me while feeling tortured over any sign of rejection, and essentially destroy myself over each one for years. This could have been resolved by simply asking them out and getting a direct answer, but I was terrified that would turn them off and I’d ruin my chance.

I fantasized about being a man so I could be more direct and woo my crushes through romantic acts. I wanted to exhibit chivalry and honor, and get down on my knees and serenade the beautiful boys who made my heart sing. I researched transgenderism, but I didn’t have body dysphoria and didn’t want to condemn myself to being a short guy with a high-pitched voice and female organs. The only place I could live out my fantasy relationships was in fiction. What a coincidence that I started writing books at age 11. 

Subtlety and coyness did not suit me, and the attempt to fit that role made me less appealing. I came to terms with this in my late 20s and began taking direct initiative when needed. Since I’m attracted to shy men, this dynamic worked out well, and I finally had good relationships.

Still, this does not mean that I want to be “in charge.” I need a guy who holds his own, who defends women, and who is strong and firm in his own mind, but who finds my willfulness sexy. It’s an absolute necessity because otherwise I’d spend my whole life pretending I’m someone else, and that is not sexy or honest. But I do not want someone that backs out of a fight, expects me to carry all the weight, or allows me to dominate him. He needs to hold his own in an argument, a decision, a fight. He needs to be a man.

In short, I need to be with someone I respect. How could I respect someone if I completely dominate him?

I did not have what it took to attract the right man when I was ‘waiting for them to make a move’ and playing games. I needed to be real about who I am, in order to attract someone equally real. And now that I found my soulmate in Kilian, I am driven to nurture and worship him. It turns me on that I cannot dominate him intellectually, emotionally or physically, and I trust that nobody can. 

I feel like a lot of these messages about ‘men and women’ miss these human, grey areas; where a woman doesn’t need to fit the ‘submissive’ mold to the T, yet there is still room to express her will in an honest, loving relationship; without being a dominant warrior who “doesn’t need a man.”

We all need to figure out what type of balance we are personally comfortable with. And there are as many shades of men as there are women; so there is always someone who fits with any woman who discovers who she is and expresses it with an open heart.

Transcendence

By | Philosophy | No Comments
Some people propose that we “transcend” by “extinguishing the fire of desire.”  Yet fire is central to our humanity. 
 
“Transcendence of desire” carries a similar message to “Original sin,” claiming that the way we’re built is fundamentally wrong.  Yet for anyone who believes in God, Natural Law, Evolution or Love – this is nonsensical.  Whether God created us or whether we evolved, we are the way we are.  Accepting the way we are and making the best of it, for ourselves and for those around us, is obviously the most we can hope to achieve. Why are people always trying to transcend their own nature? It’s absurd.
 
Animals don’t do this. Animals know more than we do.
 
We don’t look at our dog and think “Why does he crave contact with me? He should stop being so excited about me and reach nirvana.” So why would we do that to ourselves??  The idea of “Original Sin” and “Transcending desire” — is the poison that makes our love impure.  It is natural to desire, to burn with passion; to love.  It is only our shame about our feelings, and our fear of love, which ruins its beauty.
 
Some might claim that peace and clarity are more important than love.  We can avoid the ‘danger’ of heartache by forsaking romance and desire altogether.
 
But, what is the point of it all, then?  Why are we here?  If we’re just going to find ways to be above our desires, and find ‘serenity and clarity’ to avoid danger and pain….. what exactly will fulfill us?  Is it fulfilling to spend our lives depriving ourselves of things we ‘don’t really need,’ just to avoid the possibility of losing them?  Is that really living or is that just surviving?
 
 
 

Socionics Alpha: the “Average Guy” Protagonist

By | Throwaways | No Comments

Scenario #1: The Alpha “Average Guy”  Problem.

Protagonist: Average guy.  A little nerdy, fun, nice, but nothing special. Likes computers and video games. Generally decent person but doofy.   Alpha NT.

Love interest: Beautiful woman.  Too good for him.  Two personalities are possible here.

  • Motherly, kind, giving Alpha SF who challenges him to be a better human.
  • Princessy, wild Ne lead who engages flights of fancy and inspires him, but can’t be tied down. Dreamy.

Story goes one of two ways:

  • Protagonist individuates through specific feats.  May include beating up jocks, heroic acts, doing kind things for others, self-sacrifice, getting out of his head into his body, accomplishing something specific, saving children.  Woman who was once ‘too good for him’ finally falls in love with him.
  • Exactly the same plot, except there’s a Gamma SF “dark, sensual temptress” with cigarettes and blood in her mouth, and black leather boots, tempting him. In the end, he resists this temptation in order to be loyal to the “Good” Alpha woman.

Now, allow me to decode this lie.

  • The “Average Guy” myth.
    Some Alpha NT’s may believe they are the “average guy,” and this concept may really ring true for them. However there are lots of other guys who are just as common.
  • The “All men like Certain types of women” myth.
    Since the Protagonist is not “average” more than any other type of guy, the type of woman he wants is also not more desirable to the average man than any other type of woman.
  • The “Madonna vs. Whore” myth.
    Most women are a mixture of both. We are biologically programmed to love, to enjoy sex and to procreate; and as a species we are programmed to think and develop our own interests.
  • The “Guy has to win over a woman” myth.
    Some women know what they want and can’t be “won over.”  Also, women have to better themselves to be deserving of good men, too. We all need to individuate.

The bottom line: There’s nothing essentially wrong with this narrative – in fiction or reality – as long as it is understood as one type of narrative among many.  There’s nothing “average” about it. It’s just one story.

Reason & Emotion

By | Musings | No Comments

I think it’s unethical and unreasonable for people to pretend they are using “reason, free of emotion.” Who are they fooling? When people tell others that their arguments are invalid because there are emotions involved, they are usually speaking from a place of fear.

Emotions can be intimidating or manipulative to another party, even if that’s not the intent. I know this because I always intend to be straight forward but I happen to be a passionate person. So, I speak in an energetic, passionate manner, and then people feel trampled. My intent is not to trample them, but that is the result because it’s a lot for them to take in.

This is the real reason why I need to keep working on myself in this way – because I want to foster open-hearted, honest conversations with people, where they feel present and heard, and not afraid or overwhelmed by my passionate delivery. This way I can foster positive sentiment and create an environment where truth is uncovered from both parties.

But for me, the most truthful insights come out when I’m running on high passion. This is when I can see most clearly and when the universal truths are coming to light. I can’t always get them into words perfectly, but when my emotions are running on high and I’m debating about something, I’m seeing what’s important; even if it’s not always easy to clarify. When I’m calmly talking about some topic without being fully invested in it, I don’t touch on anything important. It’s all empty words; talking just to talk.

So the real reason for me to cut out the emotional juice is to make the other person feel safe. I’m fine with that, and I’m scolding myself this very minute for my latest transgressions of passionate arguing – but it needs to be fully clear that I’m willing to continue trying to reel myself in for the sake of good atmosphere & other people’s comfort. But I’m not “clearing away the feelings” so I can get closer to the truth. For me, the more passionate I feel, the more likely I am to hone in on something that actually matters. My heart has an intelligence of its own.

My ideal arguing scenario is with another equally passionate person who rawrs back at me with high-energy retorts, then gets over it 2 minuets later, along with me. I really like arguing with Kilian and with other choice people who know how to jump right in there and hash it out, full-force. Then when it’s over, after ripping each other’s argument to shreds, “let’s have a coffee!!” In such scenarios, I learn the most and feel the best.