Q: Unhealthy Enneagram 4: “Wanna come over and destroy each other emotionally? It’s for my art.”

Keeping in mind the disclaimer that my whole tritype is 4w3-8w7-6w5 Sx/So, and my experience may or may not apply to other variations of fours, I will say that this reminds me of my old post

i’d sample all the sounds of human destruction and write them into a drum beat. then i would sing over the beat, just to enforce my point. sing. destroy. create something beautiful manifested into the sounds, the movements, the voice of destruction.
if destruction had a voice, it would be mine.
if death could speak, it would sound the way i sound. 
i want to hear it all around me. i want to take the rest of the world with me. i want my music to show people what silence tastes like. let them lick their lips and swallow their shadows.
everybody has one. step into the fucking light. why do you think i only come out at night? i see too many shadows without help from the blazing ball of fire that crosses our horizon every morning and makes colors brighter. my vision is saturated and my fingers are melting every time i hear the soft sound of a piano. it strangles me like the kick of a man who beats the shit out of me after sex. i know he’s just doing it because i made him love me. it’s always my fault. i only love for the sake of creation, so what can i expect?

 I was lovely when I was unhealthy, wasn’t I?

I dyed my hair pink-red instead of red-red because I felt I was fake. I had lost my innocence and soul with my voice. I was undead, a reflection of my old self’s shadow, with the deepest darkness right at the surface. I was a vampire, preying on the blood of the living. I called this manifestation of myself “Anäeia” – pronounced like “Annihilate.” I envied the living for their innocence, their humanity, their mortality. I had to give up my immortal image of powerful beauty to rejoin the living and feel love again. I was very aware of that and spelled it out in my diaries and art throughout the process.

I preyed on the virginal innocents, and I figured if they gave in then they wanted to be destroyed. Their destruction was inevitable; the destroyer might as well be me. The one man who resisted my seductive artistic lusty advances gained tremendous power over me, for many years. He became an ideal I was too ruined to reach, and I knew – on the one hand, to possess him I would need to be human — on the other, I would realize, when I became human, that I had fallen in love with a lie. Because reality is never as perfect as the way I viewed him. He was merely a projection of my own lost childhood.

Q: Was the reward in all of it the feeling of immortality?

No, the immortality was a punishment.
 
Last night I spoke to God directly for the first time in my life and I asked Him to help me grasp my own fragility, and the fragility of the flesh.

My illness and my death bed, not to mention the loss of my voice; was not enough to cure me of my sense of immortality. To quote my own lyrics more recently:

Tell me the odds
I’ll beat them senseless
Summon the Gods
They’ll be defenseless

This is why I’ve been having panic attacks due to my health problems. There’s tremendous cognitive dissonance between my sense of immortality and power, and the threat of my body dying. I need help reconciling this, and I have finally realized my vulnerability in this area and begun to accept that I can’t do it alone.

Q: Are 4s attracted to souls that are already in pain and previously destroyed or do they want to destroy a healthy one?

When I was undead I envied the living. Want = hate.

“Tear people down to your own level of pain” kind of presumes that someone is coming from a place of “loneliness” or needing to connect. I can’t speak for other fours, as I know that being contraflow, Sx/So specifically and 8 fix has changed a lot of things. However, to speak for myself..

I really resonate with the idea of alienation. It’s not lonely, nor is it good or bad. It’s just something I’ve had to accept and deal with, that I’m not from the same planet as most others. I don’t dislike it; it gives me a sense of purpose and specialness. I don’t like it either per se; it can be difficult to have relationships with aliens who cannot connect to my planet; and my lust betrays me.

A poem I wrote after I lost my voice, says it all:

am ii too jagged
or is the world too perfectly round?
sometimes ii feel like everyone else is lost
and ii, alone, am found.
but if a tree falls in the woods
and no one hears it
does it make a sound?
that question is what keeps me
so tightly bound

The reason this poem says it all, is I recognize I’m not ‘part of it’ and my feelings about that are somewhat neutral. But I still have this need for an audience. So I want my art to capture something that lies so deep within me that it actually touches what’s at the heart of ALL humans. This is how I reach “holy origin,” the sense of being cut from the same cloth. But the thing that motivates me (at the surface) to do that, is to be applauded; not to actually connect. Deeper down, there’s a need to connect which has been replaced by the need to be applauded; but that is not something I consciously feel especially when unhealthy.

So no, I don’t need to pull them down to my level or to make them suffer “like me,” unless it’s about hurting them in order to keep them around (like in a power game in romance). I got into those games with 6w5s, as a 6w5 fixer myself , and I know that’s where this particular urge comes from, the 6w5 fix. There was an intrigue in getting in these back and forth power games – who’s on top etc – with 6w5 cores.

But that was “easier” than dealing with the 4. They could love my power, my strong mind, my periphery. The only way to see “me” is through my art. 

And 9s will say they want to ‘be seen.’ I don’t actually NEED or even want to be seen as a human. My compulsive desire is to be worshipped as an art piece. In order to rejoin humanity, I needed to reconcile my more human, regular, boring old need to just connect. But my image fixation makes me revert to wanting to be worshipped as an art piece from a distance. If people want to see my humanity they can look at my website, but I know that what they’ll really find on my website is a reflection of themselves. Which is really what they want, anyway.

This is why Prince Ruby Valentine – my male alter ego – has had this on his bio since his conception; because he understands that people generally just see a reflection of themselves in “the other.”

On my first typing thread in 2012:

On a deeper level, I live to expose my true self through my work. I feel I’m a vessel through which songs and stories emerge. The content serves as a mirror. It exposes parts of myself that are buried deep within my subconscious, and which might otherwise remain unnoticed. In sharing my work, I hope to function as a mirror for others. What success means, to me, is knowing that my fight to sing on my album, despite speaking in a whisper, has inspired someone else to create her own artwork. Success is hearing someone quote my lyrics or reference my stories because it expresses something SHE is feeling. I want people to see themselves in my work, rather than merely seeing “me.” I want to touch on something universal. And, through bearing my own soul, I hope to inspire others to express themselves honestly, and to pursue their dreams against all odds.

So I don’t have any deep need to bring them down to ‘feel the pain I’m feeling,’ or to suffer with me, because I don’t want to be SEEN as a human per se. What I want, is to be their muse, their Goddess, their inspiration; the image that comes into their mind at their most powerless. I want to have power over them, to move them, to touch them in every corner of their soul; I want them to see me in a vision and rip off my face and see themselves beneath it. I want to imbue myself deep inside people as a symbol.

What’s much harder for me is just being human. And I’ve been doing it, finally, these past few years.
 
I need to be careful to say, I might not speak for sync flow 4s, or 9 fixed 4s; especially on issues of power and immortality. Hopefully we will have other fours in the group also expressing themselves so we can get a fuller picture; this would also help me understand what about me is 4 and what is 8, 6, the whole tritype, etc.
 
Either way though, typing at four really helped me to pull back some of my own masks, the ones that were so deeply entwined in my self-image that I could not see my human face beneath. Probably the best way I can sum it up in a ‘4’ way is to point out the overuse of the word “expose” in my 2012 typing thread. There’s tremendous shame about being ‘exposed.’ I still don’t know what it is that I feel like would be exposed and it would be so awful. If the art piece was stripped away completely, what would I be? What is it that I’m so ashamed of? Probably shame itself is the top candidate.
 
 
4w3 8w7 6w5 Sx/So. “Counter shame” four.
 

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