Silver Plastic Smiles

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this digging further down
it’s not allowed
this cryptic self destruction wrapped in silver plastic smiles
not allowed
another yearning burning call
kill them all
they cant be here
they cant hear
what we are
must go far from this place wrapped in silver plastic
drastic data base

ii could touch his face but that would set me back a mile
ii could silver plastic smile but that would push me far ahead
and then ii’d never see his face again
ii’d never love his face again
ii’d never love again
ii’d never love
ii’d never love
ii’d only silver plastic smile for a while till ii’m paid
then ii’m laid
then ii’m married then ii’m happily-ever-aftered
well ii’ll happyeverafter myself
sitting in a silver spoon and cooking for the kiddies
and working with the yuppies buying puppies for their children
that’s where ii could hide away
from this touch face game ii play
this maybe ii could love again and maybe he still loves me is my only answer
but he doesn’t love me anymore
and ii am falling deeper down
digging for my soul
digging for my heart returned to me so someone else can tear it apart
so ii dont have to follow him forever in despair

“give it back and ii will use it well
give it back or let me touch your face
let me kiss you
let me feel your arms again
let me fall into warm saturdays and bright blue spaceship eyes
transporting me straight to naked fucking on mountaintops
in trees with the animals
take me ii’m ready to touch your face
to suck your blood
take me ii want your mistakes all in one
thrust straight into my blood
it’s been dry for far too long
pick a song
turn up the volume
throw me down
and give me back what’s mine” 


~ Diary 2001

A Glowing White Life

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suppression repression
unwind my expression
and twist me into your fantasy wife
perfect love in a glowing white life
the smooth metal sides on the blade of the knife

love like the dream, it could come true
believe it and see it, ii can become you


ii’m a beautiful thing
a precious song
you can sing to yourself when ii’m playing it wrong

passion unfolds through the tips of my fingers
the moment is fleeting but the feeling lingers

and when ii am away from myself
you can find me wherever you want me to be
and explain to me how ii become what you see

it’s perfect and precious, but what does it mean?
are there costumes and set lights behind the scene?
who wrote the plot and the script of our lives?
who defined love? who made this decision?
who scripted our feelings and labeled our visions?
should we eliminate the parts of ourselves that don’t fit perfectly into the plot
the romance that thrives whether we do or not?

do we twist ourselves to become the ideal
or does fantasy fall at the sword of the real?

there must be some place in this world for us
and there has to be something inside you that understands
that ii am standing beside you
but ii do not exist merely to act out this dream

and you tell me you love me
but words are like steam
that will fly into the sky in the wind and disappear in the rain
we talk about fear and we laugh at our pain
but we can’t really show it when we are searching to know it.
everything falls around our hands as we touch each other’s skin
weaving and tingling our way in
closing our eyes for the ride, being naked together
there’s nothing to hide
but are our bodies strong enough to pull out what’s inside?

your eyes are like streams
deep and alive
and in the light ii can see my reflection
the only mirror in the world that gives me a sense of perfection 

  but ii know there is more that won’t fit in your eyes
it’s too big and too wild for spheres of that size.
ii want to fit your vision
but ii can not kill
the side of myself with the stronger will.

she’s been screaming since long before your eyes could see her
in frequencies deeper than streams can contain.
you want to love me but you can’t even see me without being drowned in the pain.

so where do we go from here?
what can ii say that ii’d want you to hear?
how long can ii show you what you love to see?
how physical can this dream ever be?

the places ii could show you do not deserve to be seen by your eyes
but if ii stay here away from my home
ii will live the rest of our love seeing my reflection
obscured by perfection
drowning in streams
limited by the confines of your dreams.

do we twist ourselves to become the ideal
or does fantasy fall at the sword of the real?


~ Diary 2001


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wretch pull harder rip it off
there is no room for precision tonight
use your teeth use your fist kick punch wrestle ii don’t care just get it out
surgical mechanical they taught you how but ii want you to forget
ii want you to forget what you learned why can’t you just fucking forget
stop knowing don’t know anything feel this now
just fucking pull

ii didn’t put it here he put it here it isn’t mine this isn’t mine,
ii don’t want it, ii never wanted it, ii never asked to be
here now but here ii am and you want to touch me
but its going to eat you alive if you don’t
kill kill kill it now kill it ii have the power to do it
to myself but ii might bleed to death, ii might save it,
ii might get too close to it… ii can’t get any
closer than this, for your sake ii have to keep
this distance
arm’s length leg’s length life’s length
its just one pull away from choking you

ii want you to take it so far that ii ask you to stop
ii want you to hold it bare in your hands,
face it, smell it, know it.
ii want you to see it and hate it
and destroy it
bare, raw, rip it into pieces until you
can’t take the sugar coating anymore

fucking grab
fucking believe
this here now is not mine
and ii do not want ii do not need it



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the things ii would do to
this soft flesh
wrapped around a hard stare
and a dimpled smile
to resist would
insist against my
biologic radius circling
around this boy
and his 
what is this thing anyway
sugar salted between his teeth
smooth surface confidence
with no release
this pale pair of forbidden skies
leaves me salivating
here in my dry maturity
surrounded by rights and wrongs
cravings for purity
violent biting my tongue
numb to the way sex tastes
when we’re young
and this fast morning dream
breaks into my motion
wakes me into the roughest smile
ii’ve ever seen
locked behind the lips of a boy
who is almost sixteen

We Cannot Exist

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thoughtless empty brain chemistry
dilating into an abyss
the turn I never miss
the gaze I fix
the poison I mix
no promises  no lies  no compromise
no surprise
I predict moves before they’re chosen
time’s reversed, the circle’s frozen
it’s a pinnacle of wonder in his mind
a fracture I know I can find
and I’m aching to seek
but desire makes me weak
so I wait
submission remission
a pawn in his fate
he may wander yet 
but he cannot forget
I am everywhere
the molecules melting in the thick night air
the ice sizzling as we stare
there’s nothing there
beyond the mist
in this gate we create
we cannot exist

I Still Bleed Blue

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[ii still bleed blue]

three years ago ii had a blue dream
where every nuance became an extreme
if ii were afraid of bad dreams
ii would call it a nightmare
ii was asleep for at least
one summer and two

ii can fly in my dreams
and ii knew the whole time
that ii could fly away from him
but ii wanted to drown

ii escaped
ii have flirted with the stars (ii almost caught the moon last spring)
but ii still can’t breathe under water

ii know the sea is not so different from the sky
but he left me afraid to look love in the eye

… sometimes ii dive into my coldest memories
and retrace my steps
to find where ii went wrong…

Mutual Seclusion

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we are alone
huddled here in mutual seclusion
woven into the thrill of confusion
like kittens and their thread unraveling too quickly
I can not chase this

my throat is dry and i’m not hungry, don’t waste away swallowing moments like these
yet it’s all a series of moments, isn’t it… this never, this forever, this if and when and why,
beyond reason and more certain than seasonal breezes blowing us out of proportion
I am not bigger than my pain and my path is not an ocean pulling you in by the edges of the tide and crashing to drown you. i’m flowing steadily in and the sunlight stains my back when I forget to protect myself from me, from you, from the predator
and it’s chasing me under
deep breath taking holding waiting for this to pass so I can stick my head through and see beyond it…
and my eyes can only see so far, and my lies can only cry so hard that pity piles up in heaping tremulous storms cascading the sunrise… I can’t see forever, I don’t understand what I can’t see and I don’t believe what I perceive

so why do I come up for air.. what am I swallowing down, what am I chasing, consuming, wanting; what am I building when the threaded whisper in my ear is breaking into silent screams every night
I want to break out of my body, to burst it open from the inside and fly across the ocean on cloud wings that dissipate into dust… I want to fall, I want to drown, I want to disappear into you again
you never promised
you never broke
you never told me why

I wish I could be completely alone for the rest of this ride across a sky without a map, without a home to return to or a reason to forget to flap my wings against each other. I don’t want to come back, I don’t want to forget the way it hurt, the fist in my face, the nails in my eyes, the force of sobriety pushing me down through the floor through the door even when it’s closed shut tight and locked
you pushed me into myself and tore my insides out
cut and paste
there isn’t enough love in the world to waste this


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what if my vulnerability is just an act
designed to disarm you
to gain your complete trust
and inspire the illusion of innocence and safety
and once you give me your heart
i’ll add it to the collection
of disarmed naked men
who believed i would never hurt them
because I am too fragile
too helpless
too sensitive & caring

what if all I really want
is your heart between my teeth
and part of luring you in
is allowing you to believe you have an effect on me
but really it’s just the reaction
to not having what I want
you better keep me wanting

Reason’s Concubine

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 ii’m stuck somewhere between 
knowing and feeling 
taking and stealing 
asking and kneeling 

how does he jolt me to 
ii dont even want to try 
ii wouldn’t know where to 
it wouldn’t be fair for him to die 

and he knows better 
chasing tigers only 
turns you into meat 
and ii would take it all 
his flesh is not that sweet 
but ii smell that scent from anywhere 
and ii want to 
taste that waste 
paste his bones to blood 
and sip the passion as it leaks 
milk the torture as it speaks 
into me 
under mine 

ii am Reason’s concubine 
but when Reason doesn’t pay me 
ii abandon 
and ii wander, lost inside myself 
ii wander deep 
in sleepless dream and pantomime 
time just lost its purpose meaning 
ii am far from here 

yet the cycle continues to crawl 
the clouds continue to rise 
and the stars begin to fall 
one day he will hear my call 
smell us all 
and eat 
and Reason will be hungry 
but She won’t feed on defeat

After the End

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After the End

Alone, content in the dark
A flame without a spark
Laughter without a smile
Pain without an ache
If I have no heart, then what the fuck did you break?
I’m living in a world I don’t believe in
Drinking tears I cannot cry
You’ve twisted truth into a lie
A peaceful death 
Too sweet to die
There’s no room for emptiness
In this colorful place
And the shadows won’t hollow
The light on your face
You’ve poisoned my blood
With a taste of perfection
One tear from your eye
Is a lethal injection
And I’m piercing my veins
To bleed your reflection