By | Dreams | No Comments

We visited an old bizarre huge castle and they said we could live there. There were many rooms, and we didn’t have much stuff – we agreed right away. We looked around through all the vast twists to find endless rooms, one after another, all hidden in corners of each other, twisting around back to each other. We were negotiating with some other people who kept changing their minds. We would say “sure this room is good” then they would say “We want that. What about this” And we would say Yes! But then they would change their minds again. We didn’t care. We were just excited to be able to run around this cool place. Though Kilian, smart as he is, was a bit iffy about the people.

Somehow we ended up coming across some pets that belonged to someone before. They were between cat and rodent-sized, but much smarter, cuter and more cunning than rodents. They ran free through the castle and the outside. One of them was ours to watch over; of course I was happy to because it was the cutest one and it was wild and couldn’t be contained, but it liked me. It would run around then climb and jump on me and purr.

Then one day, some gorgeous, very seductive guy came around out of nowhere. He found me hanging out with a bunch of people, including Kilian, and immediately took an interest in me. I blew it off but was also dubious because, why would a guy that gorgeous zero in on me out of all people while I am married? Usually Kilian is the one to notice there’s something not right with people, but the fastest way to clue ME in that you’re crazy is to tell me I’m beautiful. Of course on some deep base instinctual level, I was flattered that his whole demeanor changed around me, but I also started feeling uncomfortable. I didn’t want him, I only want Kilian, but he was very seductive and I sensed he would try many angles and possibly pull at my heartstrings or get passion-crimey.

He left, and Kilian and I talked about what to do about it, whether we should leave etc. We were going down to some glamorous costume dance, and then someone came and tried to slyly steal my pet, but the pet ran away too fast and then came to me.

Someone else suspected they were trying to take my pet and I should bring it to the dance and hide it. So I held it the whole time, and it was a wild thing, thrashing around, until I pet it and told it that I would let it run wild later , I was just protecting it. It listened to me, but it would start flipping out at anyone else holding it.

Then really weird things started to happen. As we went down all these elevators, we passed not only weird shady people in costumes but also huge felines (but no tigers). I realized these felines wanted my pet and I started heading back upstairs to hide it somewhere so I wasn’t just holding it with nothing and it wouldn’t thrash around and get itself killed. Kilian came with me at first, and then we were running around, passing the pet back and forth, going in different rooms to try to divert these people.

Then the gorgeous guy got me when I was alone and started his whole seduction dance. At this point I was completely onto him, no flattery or human emotions would work on me. I asked him why they wanted my pet and he said that pet was powerful and had something they wanted. I asked if it involved killing it and he gave me some kind of cryptic answer like “transformation is necessary for the growth of the world.” The thing is, outside my convos with Kilian this whole dream was in another language (not one that I know right now, but I did in the dream) and so I can’t translate directly what was said.

The guy told me in a kind of evil voice that I needed to go to the dance with him. Somehow I knew that meant I needed to do that or else really bad things might happen, like someone would die. I found Kilian and communicated the whole problem with my eyes while simply saying “I’m going with him. Watch the pet.” Kilian knew this was life or death and not me rejecting him, so he was not angry, but he was not sure if this was the best way to solve the problem. Still we both reluctantly agreed (without words) and he left.

It may not have been the best solution. I asked the guy at some point if he really wanted me or he wanted my pet, and he said in so many words (in his language) that he falls madly in love with who he needs to fall in love with. In other words, he wanted me very genuinely but he had also decided initially that I was the person he needed to want (probably because the pet responded to me). 

I didn’t dance with him. I just kept grilling him with questions about himself, which seemed to be turning him on although that was not the goal; I wanted information. A few times, walking around with him, I saw Kilian.. and they were doing awful things to him. His posture was fucked up, his face contorted. Each time, I looked at him to show him I still loved him and I was going to try to solve this, and he looked back saying he knows.. and we should keep trying. But it got so bad that when I saw him the last time, he wouldn’t even look at me out of shame for what they had done to him. It wasn’t a matter of them ‘beating him up’ or JUST doing physical things, it was more that his body reacted to some psychological mind-fucks. The gorgeous guy was clearly trying to do that to me as well, and he might have succeeded to some degree, though I never got to find out what I looked like. Things made increasingly less sense and I was a ball of emotions – rage, worry, fury, guilt and on and on.. the guy was not seducing me directly but he was doing a number on me.

Then he woke me up and I had to do a few double takes. Was it Kilian or that other guy. Thankfully it was Kilian.


By | Dreams | No Comments

I was in some ocean city with a weird electromagnetic building and I kept having visions – or maybe watching previews – of this giant building which looked like a crystal lump from afar, lighting up electrically and sinking into the ocean.

I remember walking past the building with you on the bridge in the same place where I had seen the vision of something odd exuding weird light and blowing up. So one day I went into it. I seemed to know my way around. The decorations were amazing low yellowish light, bone made art, wooden bookshelves, combo between rustic and steampunk, but the steampunk vibe was not explicit. As I walked through the aisles, I saw Brady, my first love.  It was still the same setting, but felt like a dimension somewhere had shifted.  I was emotionally by myself, you weren’t in my heart yet.

 I locked eyes with him and we moved through the shelves in the shared mindset (I could feel it) that we needed to work this out once and for all. So we talked in these dark kind of serious but nostalgic tones for a bit.  Then some women saw us. They looked like they were part of the setting… their style was in line with the rustic steam punk vibe, and it felt as though they knew something about us on a level that we needed to be cautious of.  So, we headed behind bookshelves quietly and then, as we rounded corners, I looked over and saw the woman following us and her two friends.  She was black looking with long hair and gigantic heart lips, bold as fuck, with a small dark gold axe in her hand and leathers on her body that signaled me she was some kind of warrior. 

She looked over at ….Salvador (my best friend).  It was as though he had been the one sneaking through the shelves with me, and his outfit suggested familiarity with the place… he was either from there, or knew about it and dressed to match.  But this was his full style, like his real heart was born in this outfit. There was bone and claw jewelry involved. The woman stared at him. She wanted him. He and I knew we needed to keep to ourselves and somehow, I knew he felt like he could not let her find something out.  So I looked at him and he was staring at her, unflinching, but I know he also knew I was watching and was telling me he would take care of this and confuse her (not in words).  But I looked at her. She looked like evil other-planet warrior leaders in her vibe and garb, confident, in charge and ready to have her way.  I did not know fully what that meant but I guessed, as I watched her watching him, that it was at least partly sexual.

I looked back at…you.  She was looking at you and you at her, but you looked more statuesque, more ..dangerous.  You had an outfit similar to how that place was and how Salvador’s outfit suited it, but you were a darker evolution or perhaps something more base.  The sense i got was “bone claws.”  And bone necklaces with claws and another that had special power.  And snake rings on your fingers. Blackness around your eyes like those photos we took, and you staring through it in a similar way.  Destruction was near and it was inevitable, but you didn’t give a flying fuck..bring it on.  That was your vibe.

As she stared at you and you at her, you glanced at me, met my eyes and had a smile in your eyes. It wasn’t obvious.. it was a kitty glare, with some sarcasm. But I knew, I knew you were going to lure her from afar but if she got too close… destroy.
She looked at me and said something. I forgot but something like, I will have him. None can resist me.  
I other could resist her. But I had no shred of doubt.. I knew resistance would be a much better outcome for her than what was actually going to happen, but I didn’t know what it was.
I said to her go ahead. Try . But I think I only said it with my eyes. 
She said aloud, something like: are you sure. He will not resist.
I saw no point denying her the right to move in on you because I knew from how she stood that she did not see me as an obstacle.  I could say no, he’s mine, but it would mean nothing.  In her mind (the energy gathered from below the hips which was thinking for her, both about sex and conquering or destroying in a bigger way) you were already hers physically and she was doing me a courtesy by pretending I had the option to give you away. If I said no, it wouldn’t stop her, but would signal weakness or provoke a physical brawl that I could not win. She had that axe, and the look of a woman who could conquer cities in one night. Her friends would also do her demands, slim short haired sleek beauties with no soul.
I looked at you. You would not budge – your eyes said so.
I looked at her, signaling to go ahead, with a half smile like: how do you possibly think you can break through what we have? I was not worried; I found it amusing and absurd.  I said either aloud or to myself , something like “i dare you.”
She approached you.  As you stared at her coming towards you, your body language revealed she was going to lose. You were so solid it warmed my soul, but it was also unsettling. Salvador, when he was there, had the look of knowing he was in control (though I was not convinced, but at the very least that was his aim).. you had the look of, do whatever you want but if you cross this point and come too close… OBLITERATION.  

But you did not think it was destructive. She deserved it, it was a dare, she could still have time to leave, and her friends would be stupid as fuck to not run away afterwards.

She got to you and there was a stare down, very brief and fleeting, but it felt like time slowing down. Then she reached forward to choke you, probably only to induce a rush but not to kill you. One of the snakes on your fingers suddenly hissed and wrapped itself around her finger, then her neck. As the snake choked her and she tried to choke it, which lasted only seconds and happened so fast that I’m not sure what happened and who was hurting who, the world turned to.. light.  A magnetic unnatural light that felt almost not there, like it sucked us into a void. 
I watched you and you watched me but there was no time to move; everything was changing to another dimension where there was no form, even though perhaps it was temporary, and not like death. I knew though, in that last moment, that although you were in obliterating mode, you had no idea this would happen.
Then I was watching through the eyes of someone else, a middle aged male reporter watching the same building from across the water, and someone beside him took footage.  It was the same crystal edged bizarre structure falling into the water while light came out of it everywhere that I had seen in my visions.  And so many I loved were inside.. including myself.

The world was shaking, darkening. We have to stop it, a voice shouted. The world is ending! It finally happened!  Etc. But while some panicked, some seemed to feel there was a way to stop it and things could change. Darkness swallowed the world as all of these sentiments floated around and I realized that was why Salvador was there. But his presence opened the path to something base, and you had somehow moved through it and materialized in that spot. No matter what Salvador or we had done, this would have found a way to happen. The electromagnetic dimension and time shifting energy of the place had a mind of its own and we were instruments to enact its will, you most of all, Salvador more of a messenger. And I was your reason to not go along with the flow of the place, to obliterate the forces that be, rather than to lose your soul. You changed the rhythm of life. Salvador and I both danced right along with it and you heard it best somehow. Your danger outfit, the black around your eyes… you were the destruction while also being the only one that did not play along. Or perhaps that is exactly what you did.

But now our only hope to be together or be the same again was out of our hands. And I don’t know what form we were in or how we could come out if we ever did. But I felt we would emerge and our souls would be charged with something very, very powerful that would require training and presence of soul to control. We would be the next force to set the other forces. Not gods but beings of energy that glowed from within us and could be so powerful that it was a responsibility to channel it.  But that was only how i felt, if we emerged at all.

Maybe we were just stardust.


By | Dreams | No Comments

smallcove3Four years ago, Erica had a dream. Standing on a snowy rise, she was captivated by the sight of a stranger. He wore a long dark coat, just like hers. As their eyes met, they both recognized the familiar sight of destiny. They knew, from a single stare; they are One.

For all of her life, she had been writing stories about this stranger, this one man amongst men, who possesses the very soul that has been, and always will be, intertwined with her own.  And for as surely as she knew this, she saw that he recognized the same. He too, had written countless stories about her, and dreamed about many delights.

No word was spoken, no question was asked. For truth had been felt, their hearts had been joined. They knew, that from that moment forward, they belonged together and would be, for the rest of their lives.

He took her hand, and put his arm around her. Together, they walked up the frosty hill. The couple approached a square shaped pool, with its surface frozen over. Surrounding it were wooden cabins, each with a large, cozy firepot placed on the porch. There were people playing acoustic guitars, there was singing, and there was eating by the fires.

The two lovers presented themselves to everyone, greeting all with heartfelt warmth, and leaving no doubt that the two of them belonged together.

After she awakened, Erica was convinced that she would, indeed, meet this man. Her heart knew the man in her dream was real, and that he was looking for her too.

When Erica first saw Kilian’s eyes, she recognized the gaze of the man of her dream. She recognized her soulmate. Just like in the dream, both she and he only needed one look to know they had imagined each other before, and that they were always meant to be.

As they got to know each other better over time and text, Erica discovered that Kilian possesses traits she had always associated with the man in her dream. Traits she had written down before to make sure to never forget.

In many ways, the universe shows us deep truths. It tells us many stories, from the making of time, to the dawn of men. And so, as it had happened before, Erica and Kilian met, and recognized destiny in each other’s gaze.”

by Kilian De Ridder



I married my soulmate, Kilian, on Valentine’s Day. Our Ceremony Speech, about how we recognized each other, was a true story. I recounted it to Kilian and he wrote it out for our lovely priestess Lauren to read.



By | Dreams | No Comments

I had a dream over the course of 2 nights. The second night, I kept waking up and going back into it. 

The first night, there was an ocean with a wall jutting into it and a nearby platform that people could jump off, like jumping into a pool.  Overhead, there were lights making yellowish light over the water in the night. There was an upcoming storm, huge waves, very tumultuous water.

My parents were on the platform, laughing and diving around, chasing each other into the water.  Brady (my first love) was there.  He and I were kissing and all over each other against the wall whenever my parents weren’t looking.  There was a rock, a ways into the ocean, and Jade was sitting on it.. with her long hair behind her like a mermaid, and the moon behind her, and I took photos of her.

And then.. at some point in the dream, she said she had taken photos of me too.  The photos I took of her, the tumultuous water was around her but she wasn’t scared.. she was just beautiful in it.

The next day I thought, aww I had a dream with Brady (giggle), and didn’t think much of it. But then, the second night, I kept going back into this same damn dream over and over.

It was the same ocean and, again, my parents were on the platform, but the water was perfectly calm. Ray was there, diving into the water off the platform, doing fancy showoff dives.  The water was so clear, you could see him underwater doing tricks.  It was clear and still like on a tropical island.  He was deep down, doing all this fancy stuff, and I was trying to copy, but I couldn’t.  Still, I was laughing at my attempts.

At one point, Brady was there, and he was being kind of aggressive because I was trying to put him off, and he was demanding..what do you want?  What?  He was confused that I had changed; angry.

Then he disappeared.. but I had the camera, and I was looking through it.  The first picture I saw was me, with the tumultuous waves around me and my hair in the wind, sand all over me, looking kind of forlorn, but it was the most beautiful pic of me ever, like a prettier version.  Ray came up behind me to see.  I looked at the next picture, which was equally beautiful, but then I remembered that Jade had said she took pics of Brady and I, so I said, “Trust me.. you don’t want to see these.”

My mother, who had been amazed at Ray’s diving, glared at me as if to say “why would you say that to him?” And I glared back like.. ????  My father was oblivious to the exchange, but Ray saw us glaring and lost trust for the moment.  He went back to diving and completely ignored me as if I wasnt there.  I felt like it was my fault.

Then the scene changed to some crowded pool area where Ray had a whistle and was hustling people around, but I just tried to get out of there because I hate people.  Then I woke up.


By | Dreams | No Comments

Jesse showed up at one of my parties. It was the middle of winter, and I was throwing a good number of parties. Jesse was blonde, with waist-length, gorgeous, wavy hair, and big blue eyes. She was quirky, and upbeat, and smiled a lot. Her personality was dynamic. She always had a clever comeback. She had dimples, and cute clothing, and more energy than the rest of us combined. And she never drank or did drugs… so I couldn’t figure out what she wanted to do with a bunch of laid back musicians like us.

One night, there were whispers that Jesse was a murderess. I believed it right away, but most people didn’t. There was something off about her; something cold in her eyes. Everyone else was in shock. It couldn’t be true. Etc. Just when I was about to find a way to get rid of her, the cops showed up. She was playing her guitar in the corner of the room, singing in her high pitched, sweet voice. They announced that she was being arrested for murder. She smiled, and laughed, and said the cops had come too late. We all gasped because we weren’t sure if all of us were there, alive. She was charming and sweet, and the cops did not cuff her, but talked with her for a minute, indulging in her clever comments and sweet bouncy voice. Suddenly, in a swift movement, she tossed the guitar, pulled what looked like silver metal bracelets from her socks, and cuffed both cops at once- one with each hand. She grabbed one of their guns, and then tied the other two handcuffs together and shot one of the cops. The other was cuffed to him.

Everyone ran. The room was chaotic. Most people left the party, but somehow a few people ended up in a room with her- Liza, and three others. It was a big house, with attic rooms- and this was sort of like that- slanted ceilings, closets. We closed the door. There were six of us. “We have to stick together,” someone said.

Jesse  was sitting on one side of the bed, with her guitar, singing tunes about murders, body parts, fingers she cut off, the looks on her victims faces. “If I stop killing, I have nothing to write songs about,” she explained between songs. “I do it for the music.” She had conversations with us. None of us were armed, and she had a gun in her back, under her shirt (I saw her put the cop’s gun there) and who knew what else. I had a bad feeling about it and I thought we should try to run out.. but it seemed that a drastic move like that might startle her. We were lined up on one end of the bed, watching her play. I wondered whether everyone was staying out of fear, or staying because her music was so mesmerizing. After a few minutes, I forgot my urgency to leave, and watched her. Just when I felt myself relaxing into enchantment, I tensed. She was a murderess and this was her trap. I would not be trapped. I looked around at my friends, and every one of them was watching her with a stupefied look, forgetting everything outside her passionate songs.

She then stopped playing and set the guitar aside, and had conversations with us. “What are you into? Oh, thats interesting.. I used to collect those.” Etc. Then Liza said she was into photography, and she loved the feeling she got when she committed to a frame and pressed the button. Jesse smiled. “You could do that with any finger. People always limit themselves to the forefinger.” She reached across the table and sliced Liza’s right forefinger off with a pocket knife.

Liza yelled “Owwww!” and was obviously in a lot of pain, but she didn’t make too much of a scene. She kept her cool.

I stood up. “I’m not losing any of my fingers,” I said. “I’d rather die.” I darted towards the door. “Follow me or sit there and let her cut you up,” I called. I ran down the hall, and as I ran, I heard footsteps behind me. They had followed. Even Liza. I heard her voice.

We reached outside, and it was snowy. I searched for a runway to fly away and figured I would fly somewhere and get help, but the ground was snowy and there was no runway. Every time I tried to run, I slipped. Meanwhile this murderess was still inside my house. I could not leave her there. People kept showing up and going into the house from the back, and I tried to stop everyone, but it was a constant flow of guests. We had to find a way to stop Jesse.

Someone found a phone or something, I guess, because the cops came again. This time we all gathered in another large room. Jesse was playing guitar again. A male cop sat across the room from her, on the floor, staring at her. “I’m glad I got this case,” he said, doe-eyed. “I have always wanted to arrest you. I’m in love with you.”

Jesse beamed. “Let me play you a song.”

“This is your last song before I arrest you,” the cop said, weakly.

She played one of her lighter songs, which had some lyrics about murder, and others about life and death. The cop watched her, mesmerized. As she sang, a girl from the party who I didn’t recognize crept up behind her with a gun. She pointed the gun at Jesse’s back. Her hand shook. She was frightened, but determined to end this saga, and like the rest of us, she knew the cop would not be successful at stopping Jesse. But she didn’t have the gall to push the trigger. Her gun looked plastic; it had plastic coating and green inside. But I knew it was real. It was meant to look like a fake gun so people would think its carriers were bluffing. That was why Jesse was not concerned.

As soon as Jesse finished her song, without a breath, she grabbed the gun from under her shirt in the back, and shot the cop. He fell forward, smiling a little because he had died at the hands of the woman he loved. But that was the last person Jesse ever killed. The girl behind her shot her in the back, and then shot her a bunch more times, shooting until the entire load of ammunition was buried in Jesse’s back. Jesse fell over and died, and the girl cried. The rest of us comforted her and finally breathed, allowed our stiff muscles to thaw out, and tried to decide how to continue the party. Without Jesse, it wouldn’t be the same.


By | Dreams | No Comments

There was a stark bedroom.  The lighting was dim, the walls were brownish. It was like a dorm room.  I was floating above the bed, hovering, and my door opened so I fell from being startled.  Then, I started to rise again.  I was hovering just below the ceiling when my door opened and my dad poked his head in.  ‘You shouldn’t sleep on the ceiling,’ he said.  ‘Why not” I asked, and he said, “You might fall if somebody wakes you up.”  I decided to hover slightly above the bed.



By | Dreams | No Comments

In my dream last night I was wandering through a place with no boundaries.. no walls. It was just color. And when it’s really foggy sometimes, the fog creates an illusion of a wall; likewise, the colors’ thickness made me feel enclosed, because I couldn’t see past it. The colors I was wandering through were deep dark shades of red and blue, and in moving from one to the other I passed through deep purple shades too – because as red faded into blue it was purple in transition. As I walked, the “walls” stayed the same distance from me, as opposed to the way a solid wall would appear closer as one approached it.

I was wandering alone for a while and I passed by two of them laughing.  I could barely see them… they were sort of “in” the “wall”… foggy.  And I saw one of them clearly. He was wandering alone and as he passed me he didn’t meet my eyes. He wore grey pants and an old dirty ripped shirt… and his hair was disheveled.. and his eyes were surrounded in black and were half closed.. and he was looking down. The other two waved at me as I passed. And I could hear their conversation at points.. she was leaving and he said “wait” and she said “I’ve been waiting long enough…”


By | Dreams | No Comments

Age 15, song i wrote about a dream I had about a crush of mine.


Under the moonlight
I lie in your shadow
The chill of midnight
Won’t cool our passion

Your kiss is warm upon my neck
Erotic, yet divine
My innocence bleeds upon your touch
And as sweet as you look
Your appetite is leonine

They always warned me you’d be dangerous
Despite the sparkle in your eye
And as your teeth dig into my skin
I let your danger suck me dry

Your gaze is sharp upon my heart
Demonic, yet so pure
Gently, you stroke my rising pulse
As i shiver in ecstasy 
I still hunger for more

Leaking through my veins
Ardor cracks the dam of childhood
Innocence drains

Your blade is sharp upon my soul
Metallic, yet refined
Blood trickles down my dreams
As I reach for my purity 
I know I’ve left it behind

No turning back now