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The Wall of Rage has Cracked

By December 29, 2014Uncategorized

The wall of rage has cracked. Beyond it lies a shivering child, curled up in a ball, crying because you will never love me. No matter how many walls I build, I can’t erase what lies at the core without losing everything about myself that matters. You have infiltrated me so deeply that removing you would mean removing compassion, honesty, happiness, sorrow, anger and life itself. I can’t go through that again. I worked too hard to resurrect myself from the undead. I can’t let you take my essence away from me. I would rather cry for the rest of my life than harden and go back to being undead, a shell of hunger and rage with no soul.

I refuse to need anyone but me. So I will not say I need you to love me. I am stronger and wiser than that. What I need is to love you. Because it is who I am, and it is real. And I need to be me. I need to let it pass through me. Last time I blocked out my feelings for you, I had one panic attack after another and could not even eat without fearing I would choke. If I hadn’t been undead for so long, perhaps I would not have panicked. But the feeling was too reminiscent of those years when I hardened from trauma. I don’t know how to extract my love for you from the depths of my essence without dismantling and ruining my essence in its entirety. I hate you for this, and that hate is genuine. But as long as I’m angry, sad, emotive and hot blooded, I’m still yours. When I am detached and cold, I am no longer yours – but in this case I cannot detach without icing over the beating heart at my very center.

I can’t explain why I feel this way. You don’t meet any list of qualifications that matters to me. You are less in line with my list of desirable traits in so many ways than other men I have known. Yet you got in deep. And I can’t get you out without paying a price that I am not willing to pay.

You might realize I coo over you like a school girl, but you might not realize why I do it, and that I never did this for other men, even when I was crazy about them. You might not realize how deeply you touch me.. and how thoroughly my love for you has entwined itself in the very fibers of my core. Even I cannot explain why. If you asked me what I love about you, most of the things I list are not even things that I rationally value, even if they are impressive. I can’t explain. I just want you to thrive. I want you to laugh. I want you to feel. I want you to let someone in, even if not me. I want you to live. I want to hurt you. I want to make you suffer. That pain will make you feel alive. It will reveal your heart. And just for that, it is worth it to hit you where it hurts.

I will hold you accountable for your cruel words for both of our sake. I will not let you get away with brushing me off as if I am one of many, unimportant, insignificant and irrelevant. I can’t let you imply I am nothing to you but a bit of entertainment, a random activity to pass the time, and nothing more… not without holding you accountable for all of the tears I shed when you act this way. My tears are my own responsibility, but when I tried to let you go, you reeled me back in with such passion and care, then suddenly discarded all of the tenderness you showed me before. You play with my heart and take my forgiveness for granted. I can’t let you do this. For both our sakes, the thoughtless cruelty needs to stop. I will not be brushed off as a pastime by the very person who always makes time for me. This confuses me and tears me up to the core. You were cold-hearted and senseless, and you will pay.

But I can’t strike at you from the place of coldness and detachment that I fantasize about. I can’t. I wish I could say that if you want me you have to seduce me, and everything will be on my terms from now on. I truly felt that way, just yesterday. I was angry and energetic and fantasizing about revenge for three days, turned on physically and sexually by the thought of making you suffer and walking away forever. But it was so easy to break through the anger just by hearing a few love songs that expressed what I feel underneath. I can’t deny that the minute I heard those songs, I cried and cried and cried, and just wanted to crawl into your arms, and tell you how amazing you are, and that I will do anything for you because I have no other choice – being true to you is being true to myself.

I know you can’t handle all my feelings and passion. I know we will never work. I know that you reject everything I stand for. I know that being together isn’t logical. But you have awakened parts of me that I never knew were there, which is insane for someone as self-aware and emotionally exploratory as me. I don’t know how you did it. I hate you for it. Yet here we are, addicted to each other, unable to pry ourselves apart. What can I do? I feel hopeless and defenseless. What can I do but surrender?

Author Erii

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