Mutual Seclusion

By May 28, 2000Diary

we are alone
huddled here in mutual seclusion
woven into the thrill of confusion
like kittens and their thread unraveling too quickly
I can not chase this

my throat is dry and i’m not hungry, don’t waste away swallowing moments like these
yet it’s all a series of moments, isn’t it… this never, this forever, this if and when and why,
beyond reason and more certain than seasonal breezes blowing us out of proportion
I am not bigger than my pain and my path is not an ocean pulling you in by the edges of the tide and crashing to drown you. i’m flowing steadily in and the sunlight stains my back when I forget to protect myself from me, from you, from the predator
time
and it’s chasing me under
deep breath taking holding waiting for this to pass so I can stick my head through and see beyond it…
and my eyes can only see so far, and my lies can only cry so hard that pity piles up in heaping tremulous storms cascading the sunrise… I can’t see forever, I don’t understand what I can’t see and I don’t believe what I perceive

so why do I come up for air.. what am I swallowing down, what am I chasing, consuming, wanting; what am I building when the threaded whisper in my ear is breaking into silent screams every night
I want to break out of my body, to burst it open from the inside and fly across the ocean on cloud wings that dissipate into dust… I want to fall, I want to drown, I want to disappear into you again
you never promised
you never broke
you never told me why

I wish I could be completely alone for the rest of this ride across a sky without a map, without a home to return to or a reason to forget to flap my wings against each other. I don’t want to come back, I don’t want to forget the way it hurt, the fist in my face, the nails in my eyes, the force of sobriety pushing me down through the floor through the door even when it’s closed shut tight and locked
you pushed me into myself and tore my insides out
cut and paste
there isn’t enough love in the world to waste this

Author Erii

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